Get Back on the Horse, and Try Again (Staying Sober)

They say alcoholism is a progressive disease. They explain it as an allergy. It's also a symptom of an array of mental...trouble. Not issues, not dysfunction, and certainly not illness. Just, trouble. Things like depression, solipsism, anger, resentment, self-loathing, distrust, and did I mention egoism?

But the old cliche, "Get back on the horse and try again" really is an aphorism that works. Having rode horses most of my life, I know this is true. If my trainer hadn't forced me to get my butt back on that horse after I fell off, my legs shaking in fear, my hands trembling from the adrenaline of being chucked from a 2 ton, 30mph beast -- I'd have stopped riding when I was 10 years old and never had made the incredible friends and experiences I did from riding horses.

My boyfriend is getting back on the Sobriety Horse.

He's gone to detox (twice). He's relapsed twice (or is it thrice?). He's tried to self-detox since he now has no health insurance, which worked for 6 days before he picked up again.

But last night he promised to try for long-term sobriety again, and he's succeeded.

Unfortunately, it's the first 7 days that are easiest for him. Since his first relapse after 30+ days of sobriety, his biggest stretch is those 6 days.

Do i doubt he can do it? Of course.

Do I hope this'll be it? Absolutely. Do I think it really is? No. I think he needs an awakening. He's had a couple, but none, apparently, that have shaken him down to the core -- in short -- scared the shit out of him.

I know he wants it. Poor guy. He does want it. He's scared of where this pattern is taking him. He's concerned about his health. He's convinced he'll lose me --which he will if this goes on much longer.

But alas, he's getting back on the Sober Horse. In spite of his fear. And for that, I am grateful.

Still Drinking, an Inescapable Pattern

My boyfriend's drinking again. It's 5:40pm and he's already started.

Until I go to bed, I can now look forward to grumpiness, his insisting on being alone, that reeking rubbing-alcohol smell wafting from our bedroom, his body, his breath, his clothes. He'll walk by, stumbling, tipping over. He'll drop something, clumsy. Not my boyfriend, but some homeless guy, haggard and creased with agelines, some loner with a temper -- not my baby, the man he is during the day, the love of my life.

We were supposed to go to the contemporary art museum tonight. An outing together -- a grasp for inspiration for the both of us -- and we were both so looking forward to it. Now? Now, at 5:43pm, he's sitting in our bedroom, lips pouting (an automatic, involuntary gesture upon imbibing), brows furrowed (also involuntary at this hour), and his Vodka-filled bottle of Sprite beside him. Looks like we're in for the night...again.

AA? Sure, he's been to a couple handfuls. He's been inspired by none of them. According to the Rules, "he's not ready yet." Some people are never ready. Some people die before they're ready.

I enable him. I know that. Maybe not me personally, but our lifestyle. Things are not afloat in his life, not by a longshot. He's unemployed and his process of finding a job is disorganized and childlike. My guidance and suggestions are taken as criticism. He's wrapped in self-doubt, self-loathing, resentment -- all the things alcoholics are so good at.

But I keep things afloat. By staying with him, and loving him in spite of his drinking. By going grocery shopping, and paying for them. By cleaning, because I get so sick of bread left on the counter, stray butter staining the floor, cat litter on the carpet.

I keep things afloat by making it all feel like it's a normal life.

I put up a fight, but I hate talking about his drinking as much as he does. I require him to go to AA, but ultimately how can I require any grown man to do anything he doesn't want to? I cry, I talk, I listen.

But tonight, he'll drink 1/5 a gallon or more of Vodka. We'll avoid each other as much as possible for the next 5 hours. And I'll go to bed to him already passed out, the bedroom stinking of his weakness, praying for morning to come...

...when I will awaken in his arms, with him stroking my cheek, and telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me.

The Weakness In Me

It's hard to know your parent's going to die. To realize there's a timeline on a life that has meant so much to you, that you depend on every day even without calling, that shapes who you are. Without whom, you would be in all ways nothing. It's harder still to be angry at them.

My mother is an alcoholic. She's been what people in AA call a "sober alcoholic" for a little over a year. This week she:

1. Filed for bankruptcy

2. Found out her white blood cell count is uncommonly high and that her breast cancer may have returned, which of course means only bad things. When it comes back, it's no good.

3. Learned her childhood best friend's mother is dying and she's the only one who can be there for her.

So, she drank an entire bottle of cheap wine in one hour. She came to me drunk, asking if I'd go on a walk because she needed to talk to me about her meeting with her Oncologist.

I told her I didn't want to be anywhere around her when she's been drinking. She lied and said she hadn't taken a drink, then realized it was stupid to lie because I can always tell, and then slammed the door on me when I told her I didn't want to be around her.

I called my boyfriend to ask what I should do -- he said be there for her. Don't be angry at her. Be angry tomorrow, when she's sober, and talk about her drinking then. For now, just be there for her.

It's hard. But should it be? My mother has cancer, perhaps very badly, perhaps...I don't want to say the word..."terminal"?...that's too premature...

She has cancer.

With all the other stressers in her life, is it really fair for me to be ANGRY at her for downing a bottle of wine? Is ANGER the emotion I should be feeling? Disappointment, frustration, sadness, fear. But anger? She's probably so scared right now. She's so stressed out about her financial situation. She has to take care of her mother (a stroke victim who's out of work) and her brother (unemployed and not looking for work) and now her best friend, plus running her business and going bankrupt at the same time. Until recently she was also taking care of my father who recently had a stroke and can't drive himself. She monitored all his doctors, medications, and drove him everywhere. It's too much for one woman -- and now to be told she may yet again have cancer, and it may now be at a higher stage.

I should not be angry.

But it's always anger with my mother. With my boyfriend, it's frustration and fear and disappointment and sadness and understanding. But with my mother, it's always been anger.

Because my mother used to be my hero. In school when they make you write about who inspires you, it was always my mother. All my college personal statements were about my mother. All my ambitions and self-motivation comes from the example of my mother. My mother built me from nothing, and I am everything because of her.

So to see her reduce herself to nothing more than a wobbly, heavy-eyed, clumsy, slurring drunk is...infuriating. Yes, it's infuriating.

With my boyfriend, I want to love him and help him, because I know he is not the person that drinking turns him into. He's better than that.

With my mother, I want to turn my back on her because she has let me down so badly, has torn down everything I held as absolutes. She's a superhero who's become like everyone else, and it's disgusting. And it's not her. But my anger comes from seeing her and being forced to realize that...Yes. It IS her. She's not the woman I thought she was. And maybe if I ignore her and who she's become, and shove that version of her out of my life, I'll still be able to hold onto the mother who made me.

I get mad at my mother for other things too. The fact that she lets her house get so messy, that she doesn't do her dishes, that she lets the termites ruin walls, that she collects things in the garage and backyard that she's starting to build a nice home for trailer trash and twenty-year-old dust bunnies.

Again, it's anger towards a woman who has stepped into my superhero mother's skin and steered her towards ordinariness, even less than ordariness. Instead of my instinct being how to help her out of it all, my first reaction is be so disgusted I get pissed off.

This is something I have to change in me. People who disappoint me maybe need more help than those who stay the course.

This is my weakness.

The Blame Game

In Al-Anon, they teach you it's not your fault. But what do you do when he says it is? And there's nothing you can do to stop him?

Today, my boyfriend called while at his recovery program and recommended we rent a car over Christmas because it would be easier on everyone involved. So, knowing Christmas is right around the corner, and he's going to be in his day program 'til the early evening, and that as soon as he gets out he has Christmas shopping, the gym, and his own work to do -- I looked into it.

Unfortunately, I made a rash and stupid mistake (which I often do when left to my own devices with real adult decisions, like "Which rental car company do I rent from?"). I signed up for a ZipCar which requires a $25 non-refundable application fee. Well, seeing that all the other rental places were sold out --and starting to freak out-- I sucked up the $25 disposable fee and submitted. You can't look at what cars they have available until you submit your application (petty thieves!).

Then I instantly get an AIM from my mother telling me she absolutely does not want a rental car and (being from California) is scared of driving in the snow.

So I got pissed and I got frustrated. Not only do I feel like I'm the only one planning this --which frustrates me even more because the only reason planning has become an issue is because of his being an addict in recovery-- but I do it wrong and everybody has a sideshow opinion to share.

So I wrote a frustrated email to my boyfriend. I told him I've been crying spontaneously throughout the day, that I've been frustrated i'm doing all the domestic and responsible duties on my own, and I told him the issue with the rental car and my mom's stalwart "no".

He writes back -- that after all he's been through today, plus traffic and people at the mall getting MY gift, he comes home to this angry email, and don't be surprised if he comes home drunk.

I catch him on his way out to the gym -- "Don't leave like this," I say. "Don't let THIS be why you drink tonight. Let's talk about it."

I was to blame. I'm responsible for all these domestic things because HE'S getting over an addiction. And what do I have to do all day but sit around doing nothing and getting paid for it? (I work from home.) How dare I write him that email!

He threatens to drink again tonight, and storms out.

I thought this feeling of utter hopelessness and uselessness would go away when he stopped drinking. It hasn't. Now it's even worse -- because the hope that comes with his sobriety is threatened by something that boils down to: frustration with recovery, snow and slush, freezing weather, tons of people shopping desperately, a crowded metro train ride, and a frustrated email that was taken too personally.

Y'know, things that non-addicts may get upset about, but will soon get over and not yell at their loved one for and slam a door over.

When do you know that the love has been overcome with frustration and anger and resentment, and impossible obstacles?

Mother of all Troubles

Do you tell your mother you're dating an alcoholic or don't you?

What if your mother is an overemotional, dramatic, overprotective mother? What if when you were five years old and boys were picking on you in the schoolyard, she told you to kick them in the balls?

What if she's the type of mother who encourages fighting back when you're being attacked? Or if she once got so caught up in a story about her nieces and nephews doing terrible terrible things, that she didn't even realize she was kicking you hard under the table in her focused frustration?

What if she doesn't like your boyfriend anyway, because she senses that something's amiss in him but doesn't realize it's been alcohol addiction? What if she hasn't been very vocal about giving me advice or telling me to leave my boyfriend, but it's taken all her energy and might to restrain her tongue?

What if she herself is a recovering alcoholic?

My boyfriend started his Partial Day Program today. That means from 8:30am to 4pm he goes to a hospital to have meetings with counselors and other recovering alcoholics on how to recovery healthily and successfully. It's the first day of a two week program.

My mother arrives tomorrow morning for a week-long stay. This means that somehow I will have to lie about where my boyfriend is going the whole day, and why we can't go see him "at work".

Then for Christmas, we're going to visit his family an hour away. It's the first time my mom's going to meet his family after three years of being together. It's a momentous occasion...that we have to leave early from because my boyfriend has a meeting early the next morning.

So do I continue the lie? Yes, he has to go to work. Yes, we have to leave at 6am, or we have to plop ourselves on a bus and travel Christmas Day night because my boyfriend has "work".

How am I going to do that? One -- I'm a TERRIBLE liar. Always have been, always will be. Not only am I not believable, but I inevitably have to spill the beans within thirty seconds of the lie.

I don't know what to do. And I didn't go to my Al-Anon meeting today, when I should have because I'm freaking out. I need advice. But don't know who to turn to. None of my friends seem to know the answer either -- they know my mother, and she's unpredictable.

She may respond furiously and hate my boyfriend and be angry at me for ruining my otherwise ambitious and promising life for this drunk.

She may respond with tears, and feel so sorry for me that I've been having to deal with this alone for three years, and tell me that she's there for me, and proud of Mike for recovering. And maybe, just maybe, she'll offer to be a support system for him, maybe even a sponsor -- to help in her own recovery.

She has to find out sometime, right? And she's my mother, right? And first and foremost, she wants to help me and care for me and advise me. Right?

AA for Young Peeps

I went to my first AA meeting today. It was for Young People, though there were people there in their 40s and 50s.

Mostly, though, it ranged from college kids to 30s. It was a big group full of just incredibly supportive people. I expected these young hip women and meathead men --whom I am constantly judging, as they, I'm sure, judge me-- to be snide and judgmental. To be crude, to scoff under their breaths at personal admissions.

But it turns out, they weren't like that. It turns out, when my boyfriend stood up to speak even though the meeting ran over, and he introduced himself as a newcomer, someone piped up and told him to talk as long as he wanted.

It turned out that right after the meeting, 4-5 young men approached him and shook his hand and congratulated him and told him to keep coming and insisted he take their number and call them if he feels like drinking, or just wants to talk. That they'll meet him for coffee, talk with him on the phone, or go to meetings with him. "Just call me. Seriously, just call me," they kept saying.

One guy was 29 days sober. He said he knew how he felt, and shit, it's not easy. But it absolutely doesn't get easier when you pick up a drink.

I think for the first time, my boyfriend realized two things:

1. He is not the only young, ambitious, "normal" person dealing with alcoholism. (He'd thought it was him and homeless people, and that humiliation bred resentment which bred...etc.)

2. He's really not sober yet. He's not drinking, but he's not "sober". He still drinks pints of chamomile tea when he feels tense (until, like last night, he felt sick). He still reaches for an Advil the minute he has a minor headache. He still takes his sleeping pills at night when he has a panic attack or gets frustrated or tense. He's still relying on the old alcoholic's method -- reach for a substance when I have a problem, instead of DEALING with the problem.

I'm hoping he will call one of these guys who reached out to him. He's felt the urge to drink a lot since he's been out of detox. I hope he calls. Just that phrase...it is MY hope that he calls. Not only does this need to be HIS hope, but I need to have a phrase that ends with me.

Well, I'm working back to that. I used to be great at "phrases that ended in Me", as it were. But I've always latched onto people who I felt needed me. The shy people attracted me much more than the confident people. I stayed with my boyfriend all this time because I felt that he needed me to get through this, and that I could help bring out the truly beautiful man that was inside him.

I need to get back to me. So I'm going to leave you now, and go work on my TV pilot. Goodnight for now.

Alcoholics Anonymous for the Non-Alcoholic

I went to my first real Al-Anon meeting yesterday.

I went to one Al-Anon meeting before, but it was held in a church and it was too theocentric for me. Moreover, people there spoke about having a disease. THEY were sick, they said, because they loved alcoholics, cared for alcoholics, trusted them and often sacrificed their own happiness or mental well-being for their alcoholic.

Though this sounds a lot like denial -- I do not have a disease.

Neither do I necessarily believe that alcoholism is a "disease". I'm accepting of alcoholics after living with one for the past three years. I understand he is a strong-willed person and full of good ambition in everything else in his life, but that drinking was just something he could not will himself to stop until he got professional help, and was ready to quit.

My mom is the strongest-willed person I haver met in my entire life. Whatever she sets her mind to, literally, she can accomplish. It's almost superhuman. But alcoholism got her about six years ago. She's been sober a year now, but I understand how even a superhuman couldn't put down a drink.

I also understand that drinking kills the drinker. (In Al-Anon they call them the "Qualifier"). I understand that it makes them behave in ways that is not natural to them. I understand that it changes the chemicals in their brains.

I understand. As much as a non-alcoholic can. My mother's an alcoholic, my boyfriend's an alcoholic, and my best friend is a food addict. So I've talked about it and analyzed it 'til I'm sore in the brain.

But I still do not think it is a "disease".

Disease: a disorder of structure or function in a human, animal, or plant, esp. one that produces specific signs or symptoms or that affects a specific location and is not simply a direct result of physical injury

It is the trend to characterize people who don't think addiction is a disease as intolerant. Which I am not. I am just weary of absolute acceptance of the problem.

In Al-Anon, adult children of alcoholics, lovers of alcoholics, husbands and wives of alcoholics, all talk about THEIR weaknesses, about how THEY have to live day by day. They all look so ragged, or like one young woman, wild with a constant expression of tears and bitterness.

I do not want to live day by day. As a lover of an alcoholic, I have that choice more than children of alcoholics do. It should not be that hard. Addicts may liev day by day (which I hope will not always be the case), but I pray that if it ever becomes that for me that I will simply leave.

I am bonded with these people because they, like me, love an alcoholic. And they, like me, get advice from others in "healthy" relationships that does not compute: Leave him/her. I appreciate that I can sit in that room and they will not tell me to leave my boyfriend. They will tell me how to deal with loving him while he goes through what he goes through.

Still...something doesn't sit well with me about this. I appreciate the support, but where is the person who says, Enough is enough! Where is the person who tells me, I know you love him, sweetie, but you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Let him take care of himself.

Thank you for your acceptance. But somebody please knock some sense into me. If I ever have to live "day by day" --which, incidentally, is not living-- then somebody kidnap me and ship me out of town away from my boyfriend.

He drinks. I have a tendency to sacrifice my own welfare and ambitions for him because when he's sane and stable, so am I. These aren't diseases. These are faults in character. These are weaknesses in our personalities. But we are not sick.

As it is with Al-Anon meetings, I am not sure how to conclude my sudden rush of emotion...except to say that my first meeting was successful. People were receptive, even of my inability to articulate myself, and they were encouraging and I felt like they understood and accepted my situation. They were, as they are supposed to be, supportive.

And for someone who is surprised to find herself in this situation in life, that is a reason to keep going back.

Happy Holidays?

Holidays are usually very difficult for alcoholics. This is usually because:

1) celebration makes them want to drink

2) everyone else is drinking, which makes them want to drink

3) family makes them anxious

4) they don't have family, and this makes them especially sad and depressed during the holidays.

In my case, I'm worried about the holidays, not really for any of these reasons, but because of all the added stress it's going to be causing my boyfriend.

FIRST: He's starting a 2-week Partial Day Program at the end of this week, just before Christmas. After detox, for addicts who have experienced special trauma that makes them drink or who need to work out issues that haven't been fully addressed in the 4-day detox, they will be told they should go to a Partial Day Program. This simply means that every day for about 6-8 hours each day, he will have to go to the hospital (which is about 1-1.5 hours away) and go to meetings for the next 2 weeks (incidentally, over Christmas).

This will stress him out because he will feel like he's wasting time. The commute, the constant meetings without being able to accomplish anything in the day (my boyfriend is a workaholic) will cause him to get very irritated. I can already foresee the pacing rants about getting NOTHING accomplished, and WASTING his days with these STUPID meetings that don't HELP at all! But they do...and he knows it...and work can wait 2 weeks. Not to mention, it interfers with his family time because, while it doesn't meet on Christmas, it definitely meets the day after. How to tell your family you have to leave early because you have to go to an all-day AA meeting?

SECOND: My mom is coming to visit us for the holidays and she does NOT know that he is an alcoholic and we are nervous about telling her. She is an EXTREMELY over-protective mother and may end up wanting to kill him than support him. When I was in kindergarten, she told me to kick any boy who was mean to me. Once in a restaurant she started kicking me under the table so hard that I bruised because we were having a conversation about kids rebelling and ruining their lives. She didn't even realize she was doing it until I started crying and said, "Mommy, why are you kicking me?"

Even though she herself is an alcoholic who has been clean 1 year, I fear her intolerance for a boyfriend of mine having the same problem. We both fear that her irrational and over-emotional motherly side will overcome her supportive, understanding side. It's hard to say. But we don't want to tell her and ruin her or our holiday. But the issue is...do we just flat out lie about where my boyfriend is dashing off to during the day?

THIRD: We're moving to Los Angeles. So, the stress of selling the apartment, having the money to pay for a new apartment AND Christmas presents AND plane tickets, plus all the overdue bills (and he has plenty) that up around this time of year...it stresses ME out and makes me want to eat, so I can't imagine what it's doing to him.

So...am I worried about the holidays? Yes and no. He's done exceptionally well so far, better than I'd imagined. Usually places will trigger the anxiety that causes an addict to pick up their drug. A friend of mine's sister was a heroin addict. Whenever she drove through the neighborhood where she usually bought her drug, she would get exceptionally anxious and tense and emotional and need to get out of there as fast as possible.

For my boyfriend, his father's house is one of those places. It's tense because it's filled with young kids and misbehaving dogs and he usually doesn't get any work done, plus his father and his step-mom drink a lot at night. It's also the house he grew up in, which harbors a lot of old memories of drug-use and familial disputes. BUT...this weekend, we visited his father, and I never worried once that he would pick up a drink. Instead, when he got tense, he simply made himself some tea and ran on the treadmill. Moreover -- he's talked with his siblings more, helped them out, and is much more willing to be of assistance to his family and sacrifice his work than he has EVER been.

So, I have faith for Christmas. And that's a pretty good gift.

Letting Alcoholism into Your House

I've been loving an alcoholic for 3 years.

I've only spoken about it openly with 2 people. I've decided to start keeping a side column to the Cake Chronicles health blog to talk about alcoholism, loving an alcoholic, living with one, and all the in-betweens.

Feel free to ask any questions, or share your own stories in the comments.

One thing I'm coming to learn is that having a community for this is very important. Whether you're the alcoholic, or the loved one of an alcoholic, there is a tendency to feel utterly alone. I'd like to stop feeling that way.

Best SBD Snack Ever!

Snacking is an important part of the South Beach Diet. Which, let's face it, all maturity aside, that's awesome.

But the usual snacks have to be thrown out -- things like chips. 

While this is sad, I've found a delicious snack that makes me pretty darn glad to be snacking South Beach Diet style.

Peanut Butter, reduced fat

Sugar-Free Jell-O chocolate pudding

Just dip the tip of your spoon (small spoon, ideally) into the peanut butter then take a scoop of chocolate pudding, and it's absolutely to-die-for delicious.

And it's sticking with your diet! The Jell-O Pudding has only 60 calories, and if you're conservative with how much peanut butter you use, it can be about a 200 calorie snack. Genius!

Try it, let me know if I'm just weird.

Meal Plan - SBD 2

Breakfast:

1 egg, fried (with pepper and salt)

handful of mushrooms, stir-fried with sundried tomato oil

2 tablespoons Pace salsa

1.5 tablespoons shredded cheddar cheese

 

- I fried the egg and stir-fried the mushrooms until cooked through. Then I piled the mushrooms on top a small pile of the salsa, melted the cheese over the egg just as it was finished frying, then put that on top of the salsa & mushroom pile. Voila! Delicioso, and less than 300 calories.

 

Lunch:

Cooked 2 chicken tenders in a pan with some sundried tomato oil, salt and pepper

Heated about 1/2 cup to a 1 cup of black beans in the microwave and melted about a tablespoon of cheddar over the top.

I threw in a dollop of plain yogurt, some Pace salsa, and the chicken tenders cut into cubes.

Serve it warm and it is absolutely to die for delicious. Yum. I sorta like it when everything on my plate sort of melds together -- on Thanksgiving, my mashed potatoes become a place where the other foods go to die. It's like a pile of all the Thanksgiving goodness in one bite. Which is why I like meals like this you can serve in one bowl, 'cuz all the flavors are compact.

 

Dinner:

4 meatballs with marinara sauce, and a sprinkle of parmesan

Roasted vegetables (zucchini, eggplant, broccoli, garlic, tomatoes)

 

Snack:

A few tablespoons of reduced fat peanut butter

Monday Grub: Chicken Meatballs and Marinara

Do not try to make chicken apple sausage Italian.

As a continuation of my South Beach Diet Day 1 (which has been very difficult, already! Grrr.), I decided to make meatballs and marinara sauce.

There are no breadcrumbs involved in the meatballs, so it's still SBD. Here's the recipe for CHICKEN MEATBALLS WITH MARINARA

Ingredients:

SAUCE:

1 lg. can of crushed tomatoes with basil

2 teaspoons minced garlic

1 small onion, diced

MEATBALLS:

3 Chicken sausages (fully-cooked; I used chicken apple sausages because they were leftover, but that is a HUGE mistake. Disgusting to mix that sweetness with the tomato and garlic flavor of the Marinara. My Recommendation: use unflavored chicken sausage, or Italian-flavored chicken sausage -- Lastly, 3 chicken sausages is good enough for 1-2 people.)

1/4 cup parmesan cheese

1 teaspoon fresh thyme, chopped

1 handful parsley

1 egg

 

DIRECTIONS:

Start the sauce first. Heat a dutch oven. When hot, pour a couple tablespoons of olive oil in there. Toss in the garlic until aromatic. Throw in the onions. Cook for about a minute. Add the crushed tomatoes, stir. Lower the heat and cover.

While that cooks, prepare and cook the meatballs. By the time you're done, the sauce should be reduced.

For the meatballs, put everything in a food processor. Heat a pan with oil (sundried tomato oil, if you have it; olive oil, if not). When hot, drop the meatballs into the pan and cook until browned on both sides. This should take 3-5 minutes.

Put the meatballs in a bowl, pour some of the marinara over it and sprinkle some shredded mozzarella over that.

Voila! SBD Yumminess.

Monday's Workout

Monday:

Elliptical where you can adjust the incline and resistance.

Workout using the Gluteal regimen provided for 45 minutes.

Increase the resistance at 10 minutes / 15 minutes / 25 minutes / 35 minutes, then decrease the resistance gradually until you're finished.

No weights today. We'll hold off on that 'til tomorrow.

Stop Being Scared of Eggs

It's important for you to stop being scared of eggs for breakfast. Ellie Krieger, perhaps one of the most famous nutritionists in America (check her out on FoodNetwork.com), has assured us all that it's former taboo presence on the breakfast table is no longer accepted by nutritionists and doctors.

Eggs are...

- High in protein (5.5 grams ea.)

- Low in calories (68 calories ea.)

- Eggs promote weight loss! (a study reported that those who ate 2 eggs for breakfast instead of a bagel, lost 2.5 more pounds than bagel-eaters, had more energy, and experienced an 83% decrease in waistline)

- Eclectic, since you can mix them with vegetables you love or a bit of cheese to create something new every day.

 

This morning, I re-started my South Beach Diet. So, I am making 2 hardboiled eggs for myself. If you're interested in following along and starting the diet with me --I'll also include my work out regimen-- then maybe fire up some eggs for yourself. They don't have to be hardboiled. Experiment! (I'll have some more egg recipes as the next 2 weeks go on.)

A Sensible Dinner: Teriyaki Chicken and Veggie Noodle Dish

I ate a large breakfast this morning of eggs, mushrooms and avocado in a warm tortilla with cheese. So I skipped lunch with ease.

I decided to round out the day with a nice, healthful portion of a really tasty, fully flavored sensible dinner: Teriyaki Chicken with Veggies Noodle Dish.

For 2 lovebirds...

INGREDIENTS:

2 chicken breasts, cut in bite-sized pieces

1/2 cup julienned carrots (shave 'em yourself, it's fun!)

1/2 cup green peas (I used frozen, but whatevs)

1/4 mushrooms (use your fave/s)

4 green onions, chopped

6 oz. angelhair or spaghetti whole wheat pasta (break in half for easier serving; eyeball it, but this should definitely be enough for 3 servings...in case someone wants seconds)

1/4 cup low-sodium teriyaki

1 tablespoon dark sesame oil

2.5 teaspoons chili garlic sauce

3 cups spinach or bok choy

1 tablespoon minced garlic

1 teaspoon dark sesame oil

1 teaspoon soy sauce

pinch of salt

 

RECIPE:

Cook the pasta according to directions. Reserve 1/8 cup pasta water after you drain.

Heat 1 tablespoon sesame oil in a nonstick pan/wok over medium-high heat. Add green onions, carrots, peas, mushrooms. Season the chicken with salt/pepper and add to the pan. Flip the chicken after about 3-5 minutes to cook through.

Meanwhile, make the sauce: Combine the teriyaki sauce, reserved pasta water, and chili garlic sauce. Mix well.

Start heating 1 teaspoon sesame oil in a small frying pan. Add the minced garlic. Once this becomes aromatic, add the spinach/bok choy. Cook until slightly wilted. Add soy sauce.

Once the chicken is cooked, add the cooked pasta and the teriyaki sauce mixture. Mix to combine well.

Serve with the spinach/bok choy and enjoy!

 

Guilty Confession of the Week

Guilty Confession of the Week:

I can't get enough of tater tots. It's ridiculous. The place I go to trivia every Monday night has added tater tots to their menu for the past few months, and every Monday I look forward --literally, get excited over-- to eating the tots.

But these tots aren't goopy, greasy, squishy tots that cafeterias usually dished out --and even those were good, in my opinion. These have a spice to them that sort of takes you aback, makes you curious.

I did very well today, eating-wise. Until the tots. Mondays, they're the death of me.

Guilty Confession of the Week

Guilty Confession of the Week:

My boyfriend and I ordered a Domino's pizza. It was a rainy day, pouring. Without a car and in Boston where public transportation is a pain in the fattest ass in America, there was no way we were going out to get groceries or fast food. We had very little food in the house. Stuff to make spaghetti with some frozen spinach or something, maybe, but that was about it. So, my boyfriend eagerly suggested pizza. 

Yes, I can --and should-- just say, "Go ahead, I'll just make myself something simple." Or, "No, I'll order a sandwich or a salad." But I didn't. I don't. Ever. I had a dream once where I woke up saying "I don't want any pizza!" and my boyfriend's comment was, "I've never known you to refuse pizza before. It must've been a dream."

(On a contextual, justifying note -- I never ate pizza as much as I do now before I met my boyfriend.)

But it's not the eating of the pizza that is my guilty confession. He ate his 4 slices, and I shoved down 3. I was full at two, but it just looked so good and was still so hot, I ate a third. I couldn't, literally, stomach a fourth. So, my boyfriend left the box on the stovetop for us to throw away in the morning.

In the morning, I thought about the pizza. I really did. I thought, well, when he's in the shower, I'll eat that piece. I didn't even want the damn pizza! I wanted to eat something healthy, even my body felt that way, but my brain was like -- "Now's your chance to get that fourth slice!"

So, when my boyfriend went into the shower, I made to throw it away and then took a big bite of it. ...then I felt disgusting. I felt utterly and ridiculously disgusting. And I thought, Why do you feel you have to do this? This isn't normal.

I spit it out.

There are some things that are getting out of hand. That is why the 1 pound a week is an important accomplishment, and though small, not insignificant. I need to meet this goal before I can move on to the next.

Any words of advice?

Workout - Sunday 9/21

My new goal is to start picking up some mileage on the treadmill. When I started a few days ago, it hurt (cramping and heartburn) to finish a mile at 15 minutes. I know, pathetic.

Today, 1 mile in 11 minutes. Yay!

Anyway, this was today's workout:

ELLIPTICAL TRAINER:

5 minutes - warm-up. I walked to the gym from my apartment.

6 minutes - at resistance level 6. (if you also have incline, raise the incline to match)

2 minutes - increase the resistance by 2 every 30 seconds.

2 minutes - decrease the resistance by 2 every 30 seconds.

6 minutes - pedal backward at resistance level 6.

TREADMILL:

11 minutes - run a mile. I changed my speed a few times, but on average I stayed on 5.5 or 6.

5 minutes - cool down.

Stretch!

Workout - Day 3

ELLIPTICAL TRAINER

*I got on the treadmill, and when it didn't work, took it as a sign. Then realized that was just an excuse to avoid the Inevitable Cramp-Giving Treadmill. But when I got the platform rolling, and it began to squeak like a rusty wheel, I really did take it as a sign. Back to the Elliptical I went. Distress finds comfort in familiarity.

5 minutes - Warm Up

6 minutes - Increase speed, increase resistance to 6 (or whatever feels like medium to you)

2 minutes - Increase speed, increase resistance by 2 every 30 seconds.

2 minutes - Maintain speed, decrease resistance by 2 every 30 seconds.

6 minutes - Increase speed, pedal backwards.

5 minutes - Decrease speed, increase resistance to 6 (or whatever feels like medium to you)

2 minutes - Increase speed, increase resistance by 2 every 30 seconds.

2 minutes - Maintain speed, decrease resistance by 2 every 30 seconds.

5 minutes - Increase speed. Sprint.

5 minutes - Cool down.

*This burned 375 calories for me, and I had a pretty good sweat. If you're not sweating, obviously increase the resistance and/or speed, or even the time limit for each segment of the exercise. If it's too hard, go slower with less resistance for now; you'll get there.

Workout - Day 2

ELLIPTICAL TRAINER

5 minutes - warm up

5 minutes - fast walk

5 minutes - increase speed, increase resistance to 5

5 minutes - increase speed, increase resistance to 10

5 minutes - decrease resistance to 5, maintain speed

5 minutes - decrease resistance to 0, increase speed

5 minutes - cool down

 

This sort of tests your endurance because it forces you to maintain your speed and a high resistance, which gets really tiring after the first minute or two. Just crank up that fast music, and go for it though!

Workout - Day 1

ELLIPTICAL WORKOUT - 30 MINUTES

5 Minutes - Warm up at a brisk walk

2 Minutes - Increase resistance to 3 and speed to a fast walk.

2 Minutes - Increase resistance by 2 every 15 seconds.

2 Minutes - Decrease resistance by 2 every 15 seconds.

3 Minutes - Sprint.

2 Minutes - Decrease speed to a fast walk.

2 Minutes - Increase resistance by 2 every 15 seconds.

2 Minutes - Decrease resistance by 2 every 15 seconds.

3 Minute - Increase resistance to 10 and sprint.

2 Minutes - Decrease resistance to 0 and speed to a fast walk.

5 Minutes - Cool down.

Lunch - Day 1

1/2 cup chicken salad

green tea

Sugar free banana/chocolate jell-o pudding - 60 calories

Mid-Afternoon Snack - Day 1

1/2 cup reduced fat cottage cheese - 90 calories

glass of green tea

TOTAL: 90 calories

Breakfast - Day 1

1 egg - 70 calories

1 tablespoon reduced-fat cheddar cheese, shredded - 10 calories

1 tablespoon salsa - 0 calories

1 cup 1% milk - 100 calories

TOTAL: 180 calories

*Different from last time -- I've decreased the amount of cheese. One slice of cheese is too much, and unnecessary for one egg. It's overkill. One tablespoon of shredded cheese was PLENTY. I'd use nonfat milk, but my boyfriend did the grocery shopping this time and he hates it. I'd use Egg Beaters, but didn't have them in the fridge.

What the hell does Vivianno even mean?

I'm assuming it's some sort of flourishing version of "life". Which, compared to the other heavy coffees and sugar, caloric, syruppy goodness at Starbucks, it's sorta spot on.

But let's examine what Starbucks considers a life-giving force:

Calories: 270

Pretty bad when you consider a Grande Mocha Light Frappuccino has half that! What kind of freaking life force is this? I don't trust a life force that wants to make me fat under the guise of being a health nut.

Saturated Fat: 2.5g out of 5g Total Fat

Ok. That's half! Half is bad! ESPECIALLY bad when you consider that a Grande Mocha Light Frappuccino has 0g of Saturated Fat and only 1g of Total Fat! What a sham!

Ok, but surely it has more protein, less cholesterol and sugars, and more fiber and vitamins, yes?

Carbohydrates: 44g

Let's just halve that, shall we, for the Mocha Light. All that sugary yummoness in a Mocha Light Frapp and still less carbs? Get outta town!

Protein: 21g

Ah, there's the rub. With that protein powder add, the Vivianno has an edge over Mocha Light's meager 6g of Protein. But it's in the running with its 6g Fiber content, the Mocha Light having just 2g less.

And while the Vitamin A & C, the Calcium and the Iron contents are all more in the Vivianno, let's be honest -- we're not REALLY having the Vivianno because we need vitamins. We're having it because it's got chocolate and bananas in it and it says Vivianno with nice pastel colors and claims to be healthy while also delicious. We're probably more likely to get our Vitamins elsewhere throughout the day.

So why get a Vivianno? Who the hell knows. If you're going for chocolate anyway, go for a Mocha Light Frapp. The girl next in line may be a bit smug after you order your frapp and she orders a Vivianno, thinking herself healthfully superior. But try and keep from shouting at her -- you are right, and she is wrong. Now go enjoy your lower-cal, lower-fat, lower-cab drink with lower-guilt.

The Ultimate Burger Recipe

(Serves 4)

INGREDIENTS:

2 lbs. lean beef

1 head iceberg lettuce (or whichever you prefer)

1 large tomato

light mayonnaise

1 tablespoon minced garlic (optional)

dill pickles

4 slices reduced-fat cheese (I like American)

Whole wheat buns

1 tablespoon olive oil

salt and pepper

 

PREPARATION:

Put the beef in a large bowl. Sprinkle salt and pepper to taste (usually about a teaspoon each) and the minced garlic. Use your hands --get gritty-- and mix this altogether. (Don't overhandle the beef; the less you handle, the more moist and tender the meat will be.)

Flatten the beef in the bowl and use your hand to make a cross in the meat, dividing it into 4 equal sections.

Take each section and roll into a ball, then flatten into a patty. A good technique is to press out from the middle gently with your thumbs.

If not using a grill --which I don't because i'm poor and don't have any outdoors-- poor the olive oil in a flat pan over medium-high heat and cook each patty. Depending on your taste, 1-2 minutes per side.

When you're on the second side, layer 1 slice of cheese atop each patty to melt.

Serve with all the fixins you want! The more veggies the better.

Make Brownies Low-Fat

Don't abandon brownies just because you're on a diet.

The best part about the diet I advocate is that it's about eating healthy, but not denying yourself. If you really want chocolate --like when I'm on my period, my chocolate radar turns on instantly-- then have some, just be diplomatic about portions and the amount of times you're shoving it in your mouth.

Here are some sure-fire ways to make delectable brownies less fatty:

1. Use wheat flour - wheat is great for you; not only do people who eat wheat tend to be thinner, but they are also heart-healthy. It's good at breaking up free radicals in the blood, keeping cholesterol and blood pressure at a healthy level.

2. Replace butter/oil with applesauce - one for one should do, but you may need to test the quantity exchange per recipe. Applesauce is a good substitute because it does the job of the fats (i.e. keeps everything from sticking together and keeps things moist) but without the, well, FAT! Best part is, your chocolate brownie won't even taste appley!

3. Replace butter with margarine - if you're not comfortable with using applesauce, at least use margarine. It's lower in fat and calories.

4. Use cocoa powder - use chocolate chips, that's fine. It creates a wonderful rich flavor to your brownies. But try and replace some of those highly-caloric chips with some cocoa powder, which is low in cals.

5. Replace eggs with egg beaters - egg beaters are a wonderful invention, better than sliced bread, I say. 1/4 cup egg beaters is equal to 2 eggs. But while 2 eggs have 140 calories, 1/4 cup egg beaters is only 60 calories! Genius.

6. Replace sugar with Splenda - some may be a bit hesitant to use fake sugar. I'm with you, I get it. I heard that Splenda was invented when two scientists were trying to create bug repellant and accidentally added the solution to his coffee. Sounds like a myth to me, but I'm still wary when I see the texture of Splenda sugar. STILL - Splenda is low carb and low cal. Use the sugar and the brown sugar versions when baking. (If you're too scared, stick with regular sugar; just be sure not to eat much sugar the rest of the day as too much of a good thing isn't good -- though that sounds like a myth too.)

Try my favorite recipe keeping the following tips in mind (this is the one I make for boyfriend, so it's a proven wonder):

 

INGREDIENTS:

12 tablespoons of butter
1/2 cup reduced-fat peanut butter (try Smart Balance. It’s all natural, so it’s not great to eat on a sandwich or out of the jar, but it’s good in baking because it gets the flavor right and because there’s so much sugar in the other ingredients, you don’t notice it’s all natural)
4 oz. chocolate chips
2 cups packed light brown sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
4 large eggs
1 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon salt

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat oven to 350F with rack in the middle.

Spray olive oil cooking spray (or butter) on a 13×9" baking dish. Sprinkle flour over the baking dish (this makes it extra nonsticky and gives it a cakey feel).

Melt margarine, peanut butter and chocolate in a heavy 3qt saucepan over low heat, stirring until smooth.

Remove from heat and cool.

Whisk in brown sugar and vanilla.

Whisk in eggs one at a time.

Whisk together flour and salt then whisk this into the chocolate mixture.

Spread all of this into the pan. Bake 30 minutes or until pick inserted comes out with crumbs. Cool completely before eating.

Breakfast on the SBD

Eggs, eggs, and more eggs.

If you don't like eggs, you're not going to have a problem on the SBD, it's just going to make breakfast less interesting for you than for the rest of us.

Consider this:

- Eggs are a great source of protein at a low cost. Only 75 calories per 1 large egg. (Yes, if you start whipping up a 3-egg omelette with cheese, bacon, etc. you will be losing the "benefits" of eggs. So for the SBD, keep it simple.)

- Eggs provide a good deal of choline, which though our body does produce it, it does not produce enough. Choline is a key component in the fat-containing structure of the cell membranes in the brain.

(For more detailed info on eggs, see http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=foodspice&dbid=92)

So, while my boyfriend wanted oatmeal this morning, I made myself this meal:

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup egg beaters (60 calories; equal to 2 eggs)
1 slice cheese (70 calories)
1 tablespoon salsa (eyeball it)

I scrambled the egg beaters, melted the cheese on top, and served it with the salsa. This is really great because you get a good dose of protein, calcium, and a serving of vegetables with the salsa.

*If you prefer fried eggs, use only 1 egg to avoid a lot of calories.

Now, what do you do if you hate eggs, or are a weird eater of some kind (sorry vegans, I do think you're weird, and you raw people too; not that I disparage you, I just like food too much to deny some of the best kinds)?

Well, here are some good breakfast things to consider:

- cottage cheese
- tofu
- black beans
- tomatoes
- vegetables with hummus
- vegetables with cheese spread
- deli meat

...AND...I'm sorta out of ideas. Most of the SBD recipes, official or unofficial, are frittatas or quiches of some kind (I don't make any of those 'cuz I'm happy as a clam with a hardboiled egg or a fried one), but that gives you an idea of how passionate they are about eggs. If you don't like eggs, you're going to have to get a bit creative. Not that there's a lack, you may just have to start creating unconventional breakfies.

But hey, we're starting a new healthy way of eating, right? So maybe unconventional's a good thing. Break you out of your rut of Egg McMuffins and hashbrowns and diet cokes, or 3-egg omelettes with homefries, or worse, bagels and muffins (gasp!).

Good luck!

The First Awakening

It's been over a year since I last posted, and since then an entire lifetime of events and emotions and tears, and utter gratitude and relief, have shaken my life; our lives.

In short -- my boyfriend has been sober longer than he has ever been since he as 16 years old.

Somewhere in that time between my last post and this one, he realized that his addiction was killing not only him, but me. Oddly enough, this was the "awakening" he needed. The awakening I talk about and wonder about in previous posts I thought would be the realization that heart disease, cancer, and liver failure were going to be his untimely demise. It wasn't at all. His own personal welfare had very little, if anything, to do with his First Awakening. Instead, it was mine. Instead, it was love.

He's been sober for over 3 months.

At the time, one year ago almost to the day, the awakening came on the heels of an outrageous storm. We were both working at the same job, and both hating it. Our boss was an egomaniacal micromanager and compulsive distruster, and neither of us were doing what we wanted to do in life. Our job was regularly demeaning, infuriating, frightening, and utterly boring.

One afternoon, I skipped work to take my boyfriend to the doctor --either the therapist or the mental health center-- and our boss called to ask where we were. Embarrassed to tell him, I fibbed that I had to take my boyfriend to the medical doctor -- a regular check-up. My boss promptly didn't believe me, and was convinced that we were out carousing rather than going to the doctor.

My boyfriend protected me and told our boss that I was not a liar --though he kept insisting I was. But our boss simply grew more and more angry, and more and more irrational, flat-out calling me a "liar" and a "deceiver" and threatening to fire me for not being trustworthy.

Surprisingly, my boyfriend was very respectful towards this man he loathed. After explaining that he was being unfair to me, and that I was utterly trustworthy and would never lie to anyone, he explained that we were both hard workers, even though we didn't want to be doing this kind of work. Our boss knew that we both had aspirations that lay elsewhere, but decided to get particularly offended by this now in the heat of his battle.

He called my boyfriend names, not the least of which was "pathetic" and "retarded". My boyfriend actually responded remarkably well. He calmly tried to reason with him, but all I could hear was our boss screaming at him on the other line. So he had no other choice but to simply hang up.

"I'm sorry," he said to me. "But I just couldn't talk to him."

My boss instantly called back and screamed, "Don't you EVER hang up on me!"

The fight continued until my boyfriend quit and then vowed to delete everything he'd ever worked on for our boss, including work that he still owed him and paid him for. Thus began my boyfriend's breakdown.

He began to have a panic attack. Utter fear gripped him, he began to shake and sob, and he couldn't quite explain why except that his worst nightmare had come true: someone was screaming belittling remarks at him. He instantly started drinking -- not caring that it was the middle of the day -- then proceeded with all the mad deleting. Meanwhile, I had to go to work the next day. 

I called our therapist and tried to get her advice. She helped me to see that everything he was doing right now, from his panic attack to his drinking and screaming to the mass deleting, had nothing to do with me. It wasn't caused by me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I handed the phone to him and she talked him to enough of a calm to get him to stop deleting things. But for the most part, the damage was done. I thought our relationship would never be repaired after this. To him, I was choosing this job and our boss (whom I was and am related to) over him. To him, I understood nothing. To him, I had betrayed him. To me, this was the last straw.

With the help of our therapist, all of this chaos became productive. He saw that his issues were driving me insane. His breakdown, after all, had caused me to later breakdown that same day. And yet, as a responsible adult, I still made it into work the next day.

He knew he couldn't stay and work on his addiction with me, because it would simply drag me down and prevent me from living while he worked on himself.

So he made an incredibly difficult choice, one that I am still so proud of him for: he moved 3,000 miles away.

He moved home with his mother and for the next 6 months, he went to a full-time rehab program, tackled AA, got a sponsor, read books on addiction, tried new diets designed for addicts -- he focused on himself. His failures --because he did relapse, and relapse HARD (but that's another story for another post)-- were his own, and his mother's. But they weren't mine. 

I was free of it. And God, it felt good. His ups and downs were no longer mine. I didn't fear hours of the day anymore. I didn't dread...anything. 

The First Awakening was the most important one, not only because it got him into a serious program, but because it finally made him see that his addiction was also mine. And because he loved me more than anything, hurting me with it was no longer an option.

Recreate Deli Goodness at Home

Sandwiches are the perfect dining creation, but I've never been able to build one at home that could stand up against the fresh, exuberant tastes at delis and restaurants. I always thought it was because I wasn't willing to use as much fat in my cheese and dressings.

"You turn everything into a sandwich," my boyfriend said the other day over breakfast as I carefully cut my over-hard eggs into pieces, cut my bacon into inch-squares, divided my hashbrowns, and laid them all in a bite-sized layer on my triangle of wheat bread.

Yeah. I do.

Why? Because a sandwich is a culinary masterpiece. The Earl of Sandwich, an 18th-century aristocrat, knew that -- that's why it's named after him. It puts all the good things you like to eat in a nice compact consumption device that doesn't get your hands dirty.

Culinary students know that every dish should contain at least one of the following:

1 starch

1 protein

1 vegetable

The best sandwiches? Bread. Meat & cheese. The fixins. Perfection.

But how to create that same thick, fresh squishy-bread (yes, I like squishy not hard and crusty, so sue me), with rich flavors and just the right amount of crunch and soft meaty, cheesy deliciousness?

I must not be the only one who wonders this, because Bobby Flay of the Food Network now has a whole new ad/video campaign for Mayo on how to make the Perfect Sandwich! www.buildtheperfectsandwich.com

But today, I finally did it. To my utter surprise -- so shocked, I had to write about it -- I finally developed a sandwich that not only met my deli standards, but wow'd me. Yes, it wow'd me!

INGREDIENTS:

2 slices wheat bread

1 chicken breast (leftovers)

1 slice American cheese

1/3 cup fresh spinach leaves

1.5 Tablespoons julienned sundried tomatoes in oil

1 small garlic clove (or 1/2 regular-sized), minced

1 Tablespoon light Mayo

1 tomato slice

 

DIRECTIONS:

Spray a medium-sized pan with cooking spray and heat over medium heat.

Cut the leftover chicken breast (I roasted mine in the oven for 25 minutes the other day, then kept cool in the fridge) in .5-1" slices. Toss in the pan and sprinkle with salt & pepper. Let it warm through.

Meanwhile, toast the bread.

Mix the minced garlic in with the mayo. (It's important to use minced rather than crushed or paste, because the spice of crunching into a tiny piece of garlic really makes this!)

Spread the garlic mayo on the bread evenly. Add the sundried tomatoes in an even layer. Top with the slice of cheese.

Lay a few slices of the warmed chicken on the cheese. (I fit 3 slices, but it'll depend on your bread size.) It should start to melt the cheese a little.

Layer the spinach on top of the chicken and top with the tomato and second slice of bread.

Eat. (I paired with a serving of canned green beans and a serving of black beans for added healthy goodness.)

Did you make this? Let me know if you liked it!

Prone Runner - Fun Comprehensive New Workout

This is a workout that makes you feel strong. You can't beat that, especially since most workouts make me feel like, "Damn, I am so out of shape."

Not only do you feel sleek doing this exercise, but you really feel it working in your ABS, your BUTT, your HIPS, and your QUADRACEPTS. Comprehensive.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid13847492001?bclid=1519676853&bctid=1520956915

 

Take a look. If you try this and like it, take a look at Cookinglight.com's other fitness exercises. The site has a great collection of easy-to-follow videos that I've started incorporating into my daily gym routines.

Happy to hear what you think too! If you try this, let me know your thoughts. Or would love to hear about any fun comprehensive exercises you like to do at home or at the gym.

Stay healthy and strong, and most of all - Live Happy!

Revolutionary FREE Online Fitness/Diet Guide

Years of searching, and I've finally found it. A free online food log, journal, fitness tracker, nutrition guide, and weight-loss motivator. All in one! And did I mention it's free?

Go there. Now. http://fitday.com/

Here are just some of its many awesome features:

- food log (add foods not listed easily)

- activity log (track any and all exercise/activity in your day)

- mood log (so you can see for yourself how when you're sad, you eat more)

- journal (make it public, keep it to yourself)

- pie charts telling you in a visual instant how much protein, fats, carbs you're getting per day (it's scary to see how I think I'm eating good, and in fact am eating WAY too many carbs and fats!)

- charts for tracking weight and nutritional intake

 

But the most amazing thing of all is its Weight Loss Goal tracker. You tell it how many pounds you want to lose by a certain date. It will tell you how many calories per day you need to restrict, i.e. remove from  your diet or work off.

This has been incredibly helpful for me. It's a real number I can make a reality during the day. I've tried counting calories, writing them down, using food logs -- all of that before. But this Calorie Restriction option to help me actually set a daily number to how many calories I need to NOT eat, or need to WORK OFF, makes it much easier for me to monitor myself daily.

Already, I've worked out harder.

Already, I've gone to restaurants and stopped myself at one portion. And it was easy. I just played with my food --ordered a lot of diet coke!-- and ate more vegetables than the unhealthier things on my plate. I restricted myself to one serving of everything. I didn't DEPRIVE myself, I simply monitored myself smartly. Because I knew how many calories I needed to restrict today in order to lose 15 pounds by my birthday in June.

Genius.

If you're planning to lose weight for an upcoming event like Valentine's Day or a wedding, this is a great way to do it -- it really does help you get organized and make a vague idea of cutting calories into a reality you can wrap your head around.

Try it -- tell me how you like it.

One week in, and I absolutely love it. I'm recommending it to everyone I know, starting with you. Good luck!

Two Movies to Work Out To

Movies are ideal to workout to for the following reasons:

1. Intervals -- films are automatically broken up into scenes (unless you're watching Russian Ark, which is a feature-length one-shot). Scenes are usually between 2-5 minutes long. This is the perfect amount of time to increase your resistance, your speed, or to recover, and your cue to switch is not only obvious but entirely up to you -- if you want to sprint for TWO scenes instead of one, go for it.

2. Music -- soundtracks in movies are generally pretty excellent workout playlists. When a scene is charged, so is the music, and then so are you. Of course, the inspirational workout nature of a movie soundtrack depends on the movie ("Out of Africa" is probably not as pulse-generating as, say, "Footloose"), generally you are going to get music that inspires you.

3. Distraction -- if you're like me, then burning calories is more important than lifting weights or doing ab exercises (by the way, if you're flabby, ab exercises don't do anything but build muscle under the flab. So work off the flab with a ton of cardio, THEN start in on the abbies, as I call them). Also if you're like me, staying at the gym longer than 35 minutes is about as welcome as a dental cleaning. Working out to movies is one way of getting through the workout and burning off a proper daily dose without feeling like you've wasted your time. 'Cuz, hey! You're watching a great movie!

4. Endurance -- another great thing about movies is that they're traditionally 2 hours long. While you probably won't get through the whole movie in one workout, you'll find it's pretty darn easy to get through at least 45 minutes of a good movie. Heck, if you're in the middle of a good scene, maybe a whole hour! Before you know it, you'll have worked off twice as many calories as you normally do.

 

TWO GREAT MOVIES TO WORK OUT TOO, TRIED AND TRUE:

1. Dirty Dancing -- a quintessential workout movie. Not only is the music (obviously) great, but because it is, in many ways, a musical --in that it's driven by scenes with music-- then it's like listening to a great playlist. Not only that, but you can recover or walk briskly in between the dance and music scenes. Even better -- ladies, you're sure to burn extra calories watching Patrick Swayze.

2. 300 -- action-packed, it's a great film to spin to. Because it's almost a continuous sequence of action scenes separated by a minute or two (max) of calm, this is the movie you watch when you're really in the mood to push yourself. Since I spin to it, I usually switch positions and/or speed for an entire scene, then use the next scene to recover. Not only will the music push you hard and get your heart racing, but the eye candy will make you forget what time it is (I'm referring to Gerard Butler's sculpted abs...and the VFX, of course).

MORE GREAT WORKOUT MOVIES TO COME...

*Do you have any workout movies you'd recommend? Let us know!

 

Overeating for the Holidays

Holidays are for overeating. Or my mother is. Or I am, and I blame my mother.

My mother came to visit for a week over the holidays. While at first, I did well: I went to the gym in the morning before she and I met and we walked a lot. I've now degressed into full-blown overeating disgrace.

It's not so much what I'm eating, the fact that I haven't gone to the gym in the past few days, and that I feel sick to my stomach (which is a good sign, actually, because it means my body had gotten used to healthier foods). It's more that I'm worried about my mindset, about the justifications that go on as I take another bite even though I'm not even hungry.

It goes a little something like this:

"Well, she's only here a few more days. And it's not like I eat like this all the time. Plus, she's paying for it, so might as well go to a nice restaurant like she wants to. You can't possibly order a salad at a nice restaurant! That's so wasteful. Mmm, that sage cream sauce sounds so delicious. Dessert? Why not! I'm on vacation. Sorta."

Then dinner comes around, and I'm still pretty full from the abnormally big lunch I've just eaten, and I think again, "Well, it's my last chance to have something like this. Because after this, I'm eating healthy."

Last night, I wasn't hungry for dinner. I wasn't hungry. Yet I insisted on getting dinner. Not only that, I insisted on getting pizza. Not only that, but I insisted on getting IRISH pizza, which any of you know what that is: it's basically a deep dish mashed potato pizza with melted cheese, bacon bites, and scallions on it. It's pretty good -- but it's probably the worst thing you can possibly have! Even a burger at least has loads of protein to provide your body!

Today I've started off not that much better. I had a sweet bread roll for breakfast. My justification this time?

"We're moving out in two days. I better eat it or else we're just going to throw it out when we move."

Yeah, well, we're also going to have to throw away the yogurt and granola when we move too. So why didn't I eat THAT for breakfast?"

I'm a mess. I hope to get back on track when my mother leaves, which is tonight. It's such a shame too, because I'd actually managed to lose 5 pounds before my mom got here.

Ah well, looks like I'm going to have to do a lot of making up and balancing in the next two weeks!

Happy Holidays, and may the seasonal overeating stop for all of us.

Eat More plus Workout More equals Cancelling It All Out

In the Al-Anon meeting last week, someone talked about his obsession with overeating and food when he got tense around his wife, who was a drunk.

He described an incident of extreme eating, and said that the next day he felt so awful that he ran on the treadmill so hard that he was "sweating 30 minutes AFTER he finished."

To me, this always seemed like crazy behavior. It must stem from my mother trying to teach me that I was beautiful, and that my fluctuating weight had nothing to do with my beauty. She ingrained a philosophy of, If you're working really hard to achieve a certain body type, then you have to ask yourself who you're working really hard for. Most likely, working that hard is not enjoyable to you. So it must mean you're doing it for someone else. And absolutely NOBODY should make you feel like you have to look different to be beautiful.

The problem is, while my mom is right in so many ways, it's a limited way of thinking. It's limiting ME, most of all.

That man felt such satisfaction knowing that binging that one night did not mean "the end". He did not slip and then get depressed over his never-ending cycle of overeating. He said, Every day is a new day. He said, okay, I over ate last night, I'll work out extra tonight to balance things out.

He wasn't punishing himself. He was balancing himself. Regaining a healthful status quo.

In an earlier post, I talked about hearing a new recommendation for dieters: weigh yourself every day.

This was always the absolute no-no. But it makes sense. It helps you balance things.

Today I ate a fried egg and a dollop of cottage cheese. A couple hours later, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. A couple hours later, I had two tacos. A few hours later, I had two small magic cookie bars. I not only over ate, I did so with unhealthy things.

So I knew that even though it was snowing out, it was treacherous and uncomfortable to go anywhere, that I had to suck it up and trek to the gym. Not only that, but I had to work myself hard. I had to balance my day.

Yesterday, I was 146.5. By the end of my workout today, I was also 146.5. I felt satisfied. I hadn't gained because of my day's indulgences. But if I had let it go. If I had adopted the old, If it hurts, don't do it, mentality -- I wouldn't have schlepped through the snow; I wouldn't have hopped on a spin bike and forced myself to sweat through my own makeshift spin cycle; I wouldn't have pushed myself for a full HOUR of cardio or did stretches, butt exercises, and push-ups afterwards.

And if I hadn't done any of that, I guarantee you, that tomorrow when I weigh myself, I would be more than 146.5.

I need to stop feeling defensive about working out, or resentful. I need to accept that I need to work myself hard, especially on days when I "slip". Otherwise, the balance slips in favor of the bulge around my waist, my jiggly thighs and arms, and the roll that forms in my midsection whenever I sit down.

If I eat more, I have to work out more. It's a simple equation.

Late-Night Munchies

It's 3 past midnight and I want to snack. I want to pop in a lean pocket or eat some leftover Thanksgiving baked goodies. Luckily, I don't have anything else to snack on. I even almost want to fry up an egg!

One thing i'm finding with dieting successfully is that it's easier to resist food.

Last week when I was to stay off carbs, I picked up some leftover tortellini and convinced myself it was OK to eat it for lunch. ...Then I rethought it and actually was able to put it back into the fridge.

When I baked goods for my boyfriend's family for Thanksgiving, I didn't eat them. Not even the extras. I boxed them up or threw them away. Not that it was easy -- I wanted to eat them all (in moderation, of course. I'm not a binger.).

But I found that if I put the lid back on. If I put them back in the fridge. Actually talked and walked myself through the steps, it was easy. And then I ate something healthy, and felt good.

It's helped for me to tell you about it...I think I'll drink some water or a glass of milk and hit the hay. It's no good eating two dinners.

Nighty-night.

To Weigh or Not to Weigh

Weighing yourself every day has been a taboo for a long time. I remember even as a kid, I was told not to weigh myself every day because I would only get discouraged. (Great -- failure from the get-go!)

Another reason not to check every day is because when you fight to lose weight, as most people who are overweight do, you want to see greater results as forms of encouragement. It's much better to see you've lost 4 pounds at the end of a week than weighing Monday and Wednesday to just see 1 pound go away.

BUT -- the taboo has apparently been overturned.

On a radio show over Thanksgiving a completely unqualified radio host read from a script that said it is actually RECOMMENDED to weigh yourself every day.

The reason? You can better monitor your weight loss.

This makes absolute sense!

If you weigh yourself Monday and see that you are 148 then weigh yourself Tuesday to see you are 150 -- then perhaps on Wednesday you need to up your workout routine by an additional 15-30 minutes, maybe do a few more reps of strength, and instead of a sandwich at lunch try a salad.

Then check your weight Wednesday. Did it go down with these minor changes? Most likely, it has. Great! You're back on track.

This method can be maddening. And for people with any kind of tendency towards obsession or even disorder, this is not the recommended way to gauge healthy habits.

But for people like me -- someone who is eager to lose weight, and who can benefit from being encouraged to minorly adjust a meal or a workout routine here and there for greater results -- the idea of weighing regularly is a boon! Genius!

We shall see though. If it starts driving me insane and becomes an obsession, I will let you know. For now...I think to weigh is the answer.

Yesterday I was 148.5 (not bad considering Thanksgiving just yanked my proverbial chain -- very funny, mashed potatoes and stuffing and pumpkin pie; yeah, we get that you're a heavy meal full of carbs and fat).

Let us see what I am today!

Thai Diet

South Beach Dieting on Thai food is surprisingly easy. Get all the flavors and stay away from the carbs is the key.

Thai food --and all Asian food, really-- has a ton of carbs. Like Western food, there is always a starch at the foundation of every meal. In the Thai case, it's noodles and rice. While brown rice is great for you, the first 2 weeks of the South Beach Diet are meant to wean you off of a dependence on all starches, including the good ones.

Today at Noodle Street (a cute, odd place along the Boston University stretch), I craved the food I used to get there pre-South Beach. Things like Pad Thai or Pineapple Fried Rice.

But...I had to be good. But luckily, I didn't sacrifice any flavor for my diet.

I ordered Tom Kha soup -- a coconut milk-based soup with lean slices of chicken, lemon grass, and baby corn that was delicious. Sometimes they put a little bit of sugar in it, but when you make it at home usually the coconut milk should be sweet enough.

Second, I ordered Chicken Sah-Teh (satay) with peanut sauce. The perfect dish for South Beach Dieters. Though the chicken was dark meat (which is fattier and, to me, not as good...though many say it's more flavorable, because of the fattiness), it had a wonderful blend of curry seasonings and the creamy peanut sauce made a nice compliment.

Just make sure you resist the Thai Iced Tea (yum!). Splurge on it every now and again post the first two weeks.

Good luck with your diets!

Success!...don't get to say THAT very often

Two pounds gone! In 5 days!

This is unusual for me. Last time I tried the South Beach Diet I lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks, but I think I only lost 1 pound the first week.

I weighed myself this afternoon, after my 30-minute Glutes workout on the elliptical (with incline and resistance flexibility), and I am 148.

To get to this in 5 days, I simply ate lots of protein. I consistently had eggs for breakfast (mix that with some cheese and veggies, and you got a meal!); I had some beans and salsa with grilled chicken and cheese (splash of plain yogurt) for lunch, and I usually ate meatballs and veggies with marinara for dinner.

I'm the kind of gal who can pretty much eat the same thing every day, so these three meals really sustained me this week.

Thursday was the only day of the 5 that I was unable to workout, but the rest of the days I did a standard 30-minute workout on the elliptical. I just watched a movie on my iPhone and made sure not to get lost in the movie, but to consistently push myself in intervals, and voila!

Hopefully this isn't my peak. Hopefully I'll continue to lose at least 1 pound a week. You'll be the first to know!

(If you're doing your own workout and diet with me, let me know how you're doing and what kind of meals you ate in your first week.)

That (Un)magical Moment

Sometimes you can't help but taste something you shouldn't.

Today is only my second day on the South Beach Diet, yet I technically already broke it.

In sifting through the fridge for something to eat for lunch --hard when all you have is cheese and carbs-- when I came across some really good tortellini I made recently. And as luck would have it I have some extra marinara sauce from Monday's dinner too.

So my resolve started to break, crack apart like the Berlin Wall at Reagan's feet. I suddenly found myself finding every which way I could to justify my eating this tortellini for lunch.

- It's not bad for me, so what does it matter? In moderation, it's fine.

- Moderation is the way to go anyway! It's my life's motto!

- How dare my boyfriend make me feel like I can't be moderate and eat this tortellini, now I'm stuck on this stupid South Beach Diet.

- Well, I should just taste it to make sure it's still good -- 'cuz if it's not, I should know so I can throw it away.

- Hmm, it's not rotten. Let me try another one, just in case.

- I could just eat this for lunch and be really good for dinner!

- Y'know, why the hell am I dieting anyway? I'm a pretty girl, I don't need to do anything extraordinary. I just need to eat healthy and in moderation.

 

But after the third piece of tortellini, I forced myself to put the lid back on and put it back in the fridge. (I still can't bring myself to throw it out -- so wasteful!) Yes, moderation is a good thing. Yes, it's a jack-ass thing to feel like I can't eat tortellini because of my boyfriend. Even if I can eat the tortellini and he'll still love me (which of course he will), I still hate that I'm so insecure as to feel this way.

And if I'm going through this roller coaster of self-hatred and trying to convince myself to eat something, when I absolutely don't have to, then I may have to admit that I do have a problem. Just eat something else. Just put it away. You don't have to have this, there's always something else and you won't feel guilty, and you won't feel gross, and you'll still be on track.

As soon as you start justifying eating certain things, having a mini-dialogue right in your own mind, then that's probably a clue you shouldn't be eating it. More than that, it's a clue that eating might not be a problem, per say, but it is something you should pay closer attention to.

Maybe you're not eating as healthy as you thought if you're craving tortellini on the second day of the South Beach Diet, for instance.

Anyway...still plugging away, hoping to do better, hoping this time the weight will stay off, hoping some day I'll feel like my body is beautiful, hoping someday someone else will think it is too.

What's the Difference Between Fair and Asshole?

When is it okay for your spouse to tell you you're overweight?

For women especially, it's the one sign (besides physical abuse) that you should leave "the bastard". To call your girlfriend fat, or to comment at all on her weight, calls for the immediate annulment of a relationship. Cheating, you may take him back, but recommend you lose weight? Misogynist pig!

But my grandmother, of all people, once casually remarked how she was embarrassed to be overweight because, "Let's be honest. I don't want a fat man either."

I was still in high school and weight was my biggest source of anxiety, panic attack, embarrassment, self-hatred, and self-awareness. It felt like a woman's issue, and a White Elephant. It was taboo to talk about it, which is why high school kids loved to talk about it.

But when my grandmother made the bold, feminist suggestion that women too want their men to be fit and attractive, I began to soften my insistence that men simply take me for who I am.

A romantic relationship, after all, requires two people to be naked around each other. It requires not only seeing but touching --and wanting to touch-- the other person's body. Indeed, wanting to see it. But what happens if that person gains weight, and they are still the woman or man you absolutely love, adore and cherish, but they have let their body become a squishy cousin of its former self.

Suddenly, you don't want to touch your lover's body. You stop wanting to see them undress, or to even have them fully undressed when you're making love. Sex becomes something you do because you need to, not because you can't help yourself.

What do you do then? Should you still remain silent?

The answer, I think, is a glaringly, surprisingly, resounding "No!" You should still be sensitive -- weight is an incredibly vulnerable topic, for any gender. But if it becomes a problem, then you should address it. Not only that, but the other person should be okay with listening to it. They should be mature and in love enough to accept their lover's concerns.

Part of our obligation in a romantic relationship is to be attractive to each other.

So is it okay for your boyfriend to tell you you need to stop being lazy and go to the gym more and stop eating so much bad food? Is it okay, or is it still the greatest taboo in a relationship? Is it okay, just so long as the approach is considerate? Is it okay, so long as the judgment is in earnest and made with love, not out of any kind of chauvinism?

I think it is. And I think it's time for women (and men) to stop naively thinking that the "Take me as I am" principle holds for every facet of yourself. If you are truly loved by your partner, and if you truly love them, you will want to be the best you can for them. You will want to make them happy. We all have to change when we enter a relationship -- it's simply the nature of suddenly melding your life with another person separate from yourself. Part of that may have to be your eating habits, your gym habits.

Part of that may have to be the hard truth that, once and for all, you need to do something about your weight. But hopefully this time your motives will not be out of self-consciousness and self-hatred, but out of love.

Life: Bench It!

Life gets in the way of everything. It just sits there on your shoulders, heavy as a brick sweater, pointing you forcefully in directions you'd rather not take if you had a choice, had it your way.

I haven't written here in a while. The reason is life, and it brings me to something I've been wanting to talk about for a long time (but haven't had the time to).

I look around and see women who are perfectly put together. "Pretty as a picture" is a proper cliche, because you could see these girls in a magazine advertising camping gear or something that banks on showing people in perfect joy.

How do they do it? They're not naturally pretty as pictures, most of them. They have makeup that brightens their cheeks, softens their skin, opens up their eyes; electric equipment that straightens their hair, a style magazine that shows them how to wear their sweater, and 98% of the time, money to spend on the clothes that suit their bodies.

How do they do it?

I have time to pay my bills, to do my laundry, to write my daily quota, to work, to read for work, to write for work, to eat, go to the gym, to feed my cat, to help my boyfriend out when he has a problem. I shower, but it's completely unromantic in its utility.

But time to stand in front of the mirror applying eye makeup, time in CVS to find just the right lotion for my skin ($20? You're worth it!), the right hair salon shampoos and conditioners. I don't have time for a "treatment" every day.

Or, if I do, I prefer to spend those extra moments with my boyfriend, cooking, reading, writing creatively, or playing Indiana Jones Lego!

I guess it's different priorities. I guess it's not about Life getting in the way. But it is. Because those pretty as a picture girls don't have time to spend reading and writing. They dress up, go to work, go to the gym, come home and watch TV or go out for a drink with friends.

Right? Or am I missing some sort of time consortium where people go and get pockets full of time that allows them to do what they want AND look how they want all at the same time, like magic?

Sometimes I think I need to bench Life, shove it to the sidelines, in order to really LIVE life. Other times, I wonder if I just need to learn how to manage my time more. Because those pretty as a picture girls always seem so calm and composed, nonplussed by their Life.

I wish one of them could tell me what I'm missing.

Origin of the Beer Belly

Drinking alcohol and trying to lose weight at the same time does not work. I've just learned this wonderful fact recently, so listen up all ye after-hour pub crawlers, you cheese plate winemongers, and margarita-sipping slinkies...

If you have been drinking heavily, when your body goes to burn energy it will burn the alcohol in your body first. This means that by the time you're done with your workout your body might not have even begun to start eating away the fat in your body and turning it into energy.

In short, if you drink 3+ drinks a night, you either have to work out twice as much, or cut down. Your body's burning off your alcohol, but it's leaving the fat behind. Ick.

...The beer belly is starting to make sense.

Family - Can't Live With 'em, Can't Tell Them No

Family is going to kill me. While it's nice to feel bundled in the warm embrace of familial bonds and what-not, the force-feeding is out of control!

Visiting my boyfriend's family is a wonderful event that I always get primed and excited for. They live in one of the most Portuguese neighborhoods in America, a blue-collar segment of Massachusetts that has brought the world Emeril and Battleship Cove. Unfortunately, in an environment like this, meals are the center of, well, everything!

In a sleepy suburban town, the only thing to do this weekend was to help paint the deck in preparation for Winter, and eat.

So we wake up, and the first question out of anyone's mouth is: "Ahhh, what's for breakfast?" Because we're considered guests for the weekend, it always has to be something that causes a ruckus. Portuguese sweet bread fresh from the Portuguese bakery, or carting the whole family to the local diner that's been planted in the same place for almost 100 years. Coffee has to be had, of course with lots of sugar because I can't stomach coffee plain --and can't refuse coffee, as it's a morning tradition in the house. I mean, technically I could refuse it, with some looks of "what-a-strange-California-species-you've-brought-home, son". But it's actually a very warm and pleasant, safe feeling to wake up with them and to all sit around in our pajamas, our hair all mussed, and have coffee and talk about the day.

So after coffee is sweet bread. Already a buttery bread, my boyfriend's family likes to butter each side and grill it to a beautiful golden brown. Delicious! The kind of delicious that soaks through the paper plate. (Of course my boyfriend goes on to butter it with a thick layer of butter afterwards...I'm amazed none of them have had a heart attack yet.)

After a little bit of a rest, a little bit of painting of the deck, it's suddenly lunch time. And a series of meetings begin as to where lunch shall be had, because of course lunch is another chance for us all to sit around communally and be a family.

Lunch, of course, has to be had at a restaurant of some kind. This means large portions. This means chain restaurants, usually, that have old lettuce in their salads --I can never order a salad in a chain restaurant, ick. This means restaurants that don't serve wheat bread or low-fat alternatives. This inevitably means a sandwich and french fries somehow. And it's noon and already we're in trouble.

Dinner causes even more havoc. It's off to a Portuguese restaurant for dinner. Must get the Portuguese thing in there when I visit because I'm a Chinese-Caucasian Californian -- i.e. I'd never met a Portuguese person until I met my boyfriend. So it's off to chourico meat sandwiches and fries and stuffed quahogs and kale soup with chorico and white bread rolls. In other words, it's grease city with white starches to soak it all up.

And, the way my boyfriend's family works, there is no activity to compensate. Usually, it's come home, get in the pajamas, and watch some TV and joke around until bedtime. It's no wonder we feel quite disgusting in the belly region by the time we get back to Boston and our everyday lives.

...I'm thinking I'll be hitting the gym every day this week.

Ah, Family. Can't Live with 'em, can't tell 'em no.

Week Three - So Far, So Good

Three days in a row of hard-knock hitting the gym. Thirty minutes every day, either on the treadmill or the elliptical --no messing around either, we're talking Interval Workouts!

Then some Strength Training exercises in there to make the muscles sore and strong. Good stuff.

Hopefully I can keep it up. Who wants to bet I can do 6 days? (It's never happened before in the history of Cake, so we shall see.)

As far as eating goes -- more fruits, less food.

BREAKFAST:

piece of toast with reduced fat peanut butter

LUNCH:

chicken sandiwch, one slice of reduced-fat cheese, low-fat mayo, mustard, whole wheat bread

banana

1/4 Coke Zero

SNACK:

1/2 mocha light frapp from Starbucks

So far, so good...

Week Two - Life Gets in the Way

I look at the thin and well-kept and I want to run to them and shake them by the shoulders and say, "How do you do it?"

Not because I don't think I'm beautiful or could be thinner, but because I've never looked as picturesque as some girls can look on a daily basis just because life gets in the way.

Maybe my hair's frizzy and I'm rushing out the door or am in a hurry to get to my writing, so I just put it up in a ponytail and leave it at that.

Sometimes I get off work late and can't make it to the gym because then there would be no time to make dinner, let alone eat it, or write or study or do the other many many things that make up my after-work day.

Or, like in this past week, my dad has a stroke and I have to go to California to be with him. There are no Boston Sports Clubs in California, so I had no gym. I thought I'd get to ride my mom's bike on the extensive bike trails, but because my dad got out of the hospital and needed an escort everywhere (they took his driver's license away temporarily), I was with him 24-7 and had no time for exercise.

I asked if we could walk to breakfast one morning, which would require going up and down a pretty-good-sized hill. Probably all told -- 1/2 or 3/4 mile. My dad, a lover of exercise, thought that was silly and insisted on driving.

Moreover, living in Boston and visiting my family for maybe the 3rd time in a year, it was vacation. Vacation means restaurants every day. Restaurants mean big portions, uncontrolled calories. And in my family, it means Cheesecake Factory and PF Chang's. Even though I ordered "healthier" items on the menu (like salads, potstickers, lettuce wraps), I felt like I was eating out of control -- and was.

So...you people who manage to look pristine daily, I have a question for you, "How do you do it without letting life get in the way?"

Week One - Success

Success! As promised, this week I lost 1 pound. That's not a lot, granted. And at this rate, it'll take me almost 7 months to lose the 20 pounds I want to lose. But still. It's a start.

The reason why 1 pound a week is a good goal right now is because I'm under a lot of stress and eating has always been my fallback when I'm stressed, plus I'm trying to get myself to get in the habit of simply going to the gym 6 days a week. That means I can't be there an hour or even 45 minutes at a time because I'll start resenting the experience, or make excuses not to go. But an easy 30 minute workout every day for 6 days is not something to shy away from. It's easy, it's quick, so all it takes is commitment.

 

First Day Back

I found out this morning that my dad had a stroke. Mild, but that's just a word they use so you won't freak out. Luckily, at breakfast, I had a good friend keeping me sane and making me laugh. I ate sensibly, an english muffin, an egg, 1 slice of cheese, a piece of canadian bacon.

As the day wore on, I forgot to eat. But when I did, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (reduced fat peanut butter) on wheat, some low-fat cottage cheese with salsa, and a yogurt.

My boss later brought in my favorite cookies on the planet -- oatmeal, chocolate chip from the bakery down the block in Newtonville, MA (if you're ever on Walnut St., check it out). But I haven't eaten one yet. ...Though boy it's tempting to ease my tension with that.

My boyfriend is making me dinner tonight -- a gift, and a way to take my mind off things. He gets adamant about doing things for me when I get upset. He's going to make my favorite food in the whole wide world for me tonight -- mac & cheese with hot dogs.

Yes, not exactly diet food. And yes, it's a problem that I use food in this way. That I turn to it when things go wrong.

Well, that's why I'm 20 pounds overweight, isn't it? Hmph.

Day 1 - good or bad? I can't tell. Good so far, but the mac & cheese is looking to make up for the calories I've saved during the day. And of course, as spaced-out, muzzy-headed, upset as I am over my dad -- no gym is happening today either.

The right response? Gym to build endorphins and get out all my anxiety and tears. A nice healthy dinner of chicken, greens and brown rice so I don't, on top of feeling bad about my dad, feel bad about myself.

Sigh. This unhealthy eating really does feel like a cycle that'll never end.

New Week's Resolution

Today I weigh in at 150 pounds. Not the most pleasantest of figures for a 5'3/4" woman.

So, I've made a New Week's Resolution to lose at least 1 pound per week.

Portions will be less, more snacking, less heavy meals, working out at least 30 minutes at least 6 days a week. Less sugar, less fat, less calories.

It's all difficult because I'm not used to it, but it's not difficult.

I know it seems like every day it's something new, and I can never keep my promises (even to myself -- although it's easier to break promises to myself than to others, which is maybe something else that should be addressed at some point).

Okay...deep breath...here we go. Wish me luck (again)!

Healthy Dinner - Day 2: Chicken Tikka

You can't shake Indian food from your hands. It sticks there, like you've an impenitrable glove of garlic and curry, invisible but pungent. But I cook it anyway, because it's my boyfriend's favorite. That's love.

Good thing is, it's also healthy. Observe...

CHICKEN TIKKA

1 cup low-fat plain yogurt

1 heaping tablespoon of mild curry paste (*wear gloves!)

2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts cut into edible pieces

1 lemon's juice

3 tablespoons finely chopped cilantro

-- Mix yogurt, curry paste, juice, and cilantro together and coat the chicken in the sauce. Place chicken on a hot grill, skillet, griddle pan, whatever's handy. (obviously a grill will give it a charred flavor that's nice.) Cook about 5-6 minutes per side, until done.

Serve with brown rice and spinach, or curry peas (recipe later).

 

 

Chicken Mozambique - A Portuguese Sin

As with most sins, they're just too pleasurable to resist. Chicken Mozambique is no different.

If you've ever been to a Portuguese restaurant --or anywhere in Fall River, Mass-- you'll have come across Chicken Mozambique on a menu, and waitresses who gruffly suggest it as the best thing on the menu.

Trust them.

But, if you're on a diet of any kind, stay as far away from Chicken Mozambique as you can. In fact, maybe you should just order a Diet Coke and then leave the restaurant. Try McDonald's for a healthy alternative to lunch.

My boyfriend is half Portuguese and so when I had a few friends over the other night, i wanted to try and make them Portuguese food and show off my good Portuguese housewifery skills. The dish came out really good, and my friends said they'd never tasted any flavors like that before, and my boyfriend was prowling the skillet for more bits of chicken I might have forgotten to serve.

Here's just one reason to stay away from Chicken Mozambique -- I cooked the chicken in 3 sticks of butter. That's 24 tablespoons of fat!!! That's 2430 calories!

This is just for the chicken. Chicken Mozambique is also traditionally served with Spanish rice (cooked in a combo of butter and water) and french fries. All these carbs are there to soak up the butter sauce.

And, yes, it is quite delicious and I definitely recommend making it or getting it when you see it on the menu -- just make sure you work out afterwards and maybe fast for a day postconsume, and that anyone with a bad heart picks something else.

But if you want to brave it, here's a great recipe: (serves 4) http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/takehomechef/user_recipes/chickenmozambique.html

South Beach - Day 1 (again)

A new beginning starts today...again.

I'm getting back on track again. After a weekend of being depressed and eating terrible foods, and after a whole week of not working out, I'm going to get back control of my health.

This weekend, walking with a friend into downtown Boston, getting lost amid crowds of drunk 20-somethings, dressed with cleavage and thighs exposed, while men in Gap button-ups gawked or yelled liquor-stained profanities, I was hit with a juvenile delinquency I haven't been confronted with since I was in high school. Granted, the boy might have been in high school, but the behavior was not only inexcusable, but surprising.

Driving by, running a red light, a pimple-faced boy in a sideways black baseball hat leaned out his window, pointed at my friend, a guy, and yelled, "No fat chicks!" Meaning, I can only imagine, that he was only giving his man-to-man recommendation to my friend, walking beside me.

I was shocked and embarrassed. I wanted to turn around, hoping to see someone else the boy might have been suggesting, but preferred not knowing to affirming that he could only possibly mean me. Shocked, though, because I haven't since high school defined myself as a "fat chick". I'm about 10 pounds overweight according to all measures of a healthy weight for my height. I'd say I'm a bit squishy around the edges, but I sure haven't associated with "fat" in a long time!

But of course the comment ate away at me, as it were, the whole weekend until Sunday I crashed into depression. I found myself no the treadmill running like crazy and almost bursting into tears. I wasn't happy. Not with my body, not with the way I felt about myself, not with my confidence, not with my fizzled ambitions.

So --to make a long story short-- I started the South Beach Diet (again) today. Let's get back on track, people. Let's remember portion control and the evilness of bad carbs and fats. And let's remember that being healthy depends solely on us, and we can't just expect it to happen to us.

And let's remember how much fun finding healthy menus can be!

The Problemo

Let's be honest, I have a problem. Maybe you do too. Lack of honesty is probably what it is when it comes to diets and health and weight loss.

So here are the problems that prevent me from losing weight, in all honesty:

#1 - Portion Control: after my juice fast for 3 days, my stomach shrunk (thank goodness!). And while it can go back to consuming the same portions it did before, right now I am literally eating half of what I used to and being full about it. Last night at trivia I ordered my usual -- pork panini with tater tots. Obviously a TERRIBLE meal for a dieter, but it's my one real weekly splurge. I can usually eat the whole thing, and feel pretty full afterwards, but still - i can gulf it down. Last night...I could only eat half the sandwich, and struggled to put down all the tater tots

 

#2 - Fat Content/Calories: Tater tots. I shouldn't have "struggled", of course, but I love tater tots and couldn't help myself. They remind me of childhood...when I used to be REALLY chubby, by the way. Once a week, I keep telling myself, that's all. But once a week is actually a lot. Once a month is getting closer to the ideal when it comes to things like tater tots and hamburgers and pizza. Maybe next week I'll work down slowly...get a salad and a side of tater tots. Then the week after that I'll eliminate the tater tots altogether, and just steal a couple from my friend. Then maybe I won't even want a tater tot at all!

 

#3 - No Secret: My problem is I always think there's a magical "secret" out there that skinny people are hiding from me. There is no secret to losing weight. It's as plain as the nose on Woody Allen's face. Or my old creative writing teacher's, Mr. Raebeck's face. Good guy, great nose with personality. ANYWAY! -- No secret. You just workout and eat healthy food (and I'm not talking counting almonds and never eating chocolate, here), in healthy proportions, and you'll get to a healthy weight

 

#4 - Can't Do It Without Exercise: I just have to get my ass to the gym. Plain and simple. 30 minutes a day of cardio, about 20-30 minutes of weights and abs. That's it. Not much, not strenuous. It actually feels great. So why do I resist? Who the hell knows? The same reason alcoholics pick up a drink even though they know it'll destroy their life. (That's a little dramatic, but same principle nonetheless.) And in a way, being chubby is destroying my life -- it's losing my confidence, it's it's hurting my self-image, it makes me uncomfortable and envious. All bad bad things. And to think, all I have to do is go to the gym before work, and all of that might just dissipate. I don't know about you, but that sounds worth the effort.

Back to Slow

The fast is complete. I failed along the way, and I apologize to all of you who were egging me on to do well. I've failed you, and myself.

But no failure comes without a lesson learned. Mine is a greater awareness. That's pretty good, right?

Now I realize just how many calories I really WAS taking in without even realizing it. Now I eat fairly healthily. I don't eat burgers and fried foods often. I prefer whole wheat alternatives and I love vegetables.

When I say I wasn't eating that great before the juice diet, what I mean is that I snacked on granola & fruit bars too much, adding at least a couple 100 cals to my diet every day. Even if I ate black beans for lunch, I would eat a whole can, which is about 400 cals. Today I ate 3/4 of a cup, which is about 175 cals. I ate this with some salsa that was about 20 calories and a glass of OJ (100 calories) and 1/4 cup of cottage cheese (45 calories). Total: 340 calories.

I mean, I got a variety of flavors and textures and it was definitely enough food. I didn't feel stuffed or gross afterwards. I just felt...like I'd eaten. Genius!

For a snack I had about 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (90 calories). Much more tasty and filling than a granola & fruit bar which is about 110 calories and full of sugar.

Did I lose a bunch of weight on the juice diet? Not that I can tell. I didn't weigh myself like a dork, thinking I could feel it in my clothes -- and I don't. My guess is, I didn't lose much since I cheated at night.

Did my body get all cleaned out? Well...I think so. I peed like a madwoman on this diet, and I could feel the toxins leaving through my lungs (i.e. I had bad breath). But I don't feel a whole heck of a lot "cleaner", to be honest. Not that I know what that would feel like anyway. (I've never been clean from food, as it were.)

BUT -- as I said, I've become keenly aware of quantity. I hope I can keep it up. Having realized what my body REALLY needs to keep going versus what my eyes and stomach feel like they need, I'm hoping the gluttonous latters won't win this battle.

Now if I can only get back to the gym again...

Juice Fasting - Day 3 (The Final Push)

What sort of obligation do you have in a blog? Is it truth, unadulterated because that's the beauty of internet anonymity and why people want to read what you have to say anyway --you voyeurs!-- or is it because people want to be educated and entertained all at once?

My debate today is whether to tell you the truth about my Juice Fast success, or to lie. Will you come back to read if I failed...again? Or should I not care and obey the rule of honesty no matter what.

Well, here goes nothin'...

I cheated. I haven't been fasting at night. The first night I had a portion of whole wheat pasta with steamed broccoli and peas and tomato sauce. All incredibly good for me! But...not juice.

The second night I had roasted vegetables and meatballs with tomato sauce for dinner! Gasp! ...and a bread roll...two actually...Ah! The horror, I'm so embarrassed. (But if you've ever been to Bertucci's, you'll understand the temptation of the rolls.)

The 2nd day was really hard. I wasn't able to focus at work ALL day, which meant I wasn't able to perform well, which wasn't a good thing. We're in crunch time at my publication and it's time to get the September issue out! So this morning...yes, I broke it again.

I had an egg, ham and cheese sandwich on an english muffin for breakfast. And a glass of milk. While I've argued that this is actually a healthy breakfast here in this blog --and it is!-- it's still not the juice fast. Yet...I'm markedly more clear-headed and sharp today at work. Also, my appetite is much smaller.

I usually get hungry at 11am -- today I had a glass of OJ at noon, and just finished a 1/2 cup of black beans with La Victoria salsa for protein at 3pm. Not bad for someone who used to eat whole subs with a drink (and maybe Smart Popcorn at my lowest point) for lunch!

This is the last day of the juice "fast", and I'm grateful for the end of it. Even with eating substantive dinners, the days have been a little difficult. But that is to be expected, and it sorta feels good to have accomplished at least what I have.

I know that from now on I know the capacity I have to stave off hunger with other things than actual meals of refined sugars or carbs. I also know how small my stomach can be; so hopefully I'll be able to have a lot better portion control from now on.

That's it for now...I'll let you know how it goes the rest of the day. But so far, so good(?).

Phelps Encouraging Obesity?

Yes, we know. Michael Phelps consumes a grotesque 12,000 calories per day. Yes, we know it works for him because he burns 1000s of calories each day since he is, after all, an Olympiad. 

But Phelps's newest moneymaking scheme is to be on the box of Frosted Flakes. So now people are in an outrage. Because now someone who is clearly incredibly healthy --at least for now; wait 'til he gets older and the pizza and fried egg sandwiches catch up with him and his cholesterol and heart start screaming, "Why? Why?!"-- is promoting a clearly unhealthy cereal, creating the illusion that he eats them (which he probably does) and that this box of sugar flakes helped make him the Olympiad he is today (which in some caloric way, did, I guess).

Does Phelps have a social responsibility to promote good health and be on a box of, say, Quaker's Oatmeal or Special K? At least he's not on the cover of Cap'n Crunch or Cookie Crisps, though that seems more up his alley as an eater of Dionysian proportions.

Yes, it's sort of bothersome that he's allowing himself to be a part of the system that promotes obesity in young people. But then again, all parents have to do is NOT BUY FROSTED FLAKES FOR THEIR KIDS! People sometimes tend to forget that they have the ability to say no and take responsibility themselves.

Maybe Phelps just forgot that people are generally dumb.

Juice Fasting - Day 2 (part II)

Lunch was hard. My boss bought chocolate chip cookies for us, and everyone seemed to go get fragrant lunches that smelled just so darn good.

Plus, my boyfriend broke his fast by eating some rice and beans and peas because he has an ulcer and it was hurting too badly on just juice. And because this whole thing started as a bet, I thought -- "Hey, I can go get chicken salad now for lunch! No pressure anymore!"

But I didn't. He encouraged me to keep going, so I have. Lunch sucked though. So I went and got soup. The juice fast is actually more about vegetable juices than fruit juices --as fruits have a lot of fructose along with all its vitamins. But I hate vegetable juice.

For lunch today, though, I had a glass of OJ and about 1 cup of Campbell's Tomato Soup. Unfortunately it has high fructose corn syrup, which really sucked, but i couldn't find anything that I could pop in the work microwave that didn't have sugars or noodles or chicken in it. So alas...

...it is healthier than V8, so why not have at it?

1.5 more days left!

Juice Fast - Day 2

Surviving just on juice is hard!

So, I'm not a juice fast purist. I actually ate a pear this morning, and a plum for lunch along with my OJ. And while I really really want something heady to eat, y'know with multiple flavors and textures, it's not so bad.

The juice definitely makes you full. When you start getting hungry, just pour another glass. Also temper it with water -- need to cleanse yourself.

It's normal to feel a little light-headed and unable to focus.

It gets really hard at night. After a hard day at work, coming home to...juice? Usually I like to cook something nice, or if I'm really tired, order Chinese dumplings.

But keep on chugging...just one more day!

The Ultimate Burger

A burger recipe on a weight loss blog? What the heck!

Well, let's examine the facts, shall we?

BEEF:

- packed with protein and Vitamin B12 and 6 which help convert bad things (homocysteine) to good things in your body's blood, which ultimately leads to decreased risk of heart attack.

- Moreover, Vitamin B12 is good for women at risk for osteoporosis.

- High Vitamin B12 foods are also good for lowering risk of colon cancer, esp. when the food is also lean. Get lean beef!

- Lean beef is also a good source of zinc, which strengthens blood vessel walls and hence the immune system.

TOPPINGS: just make sure to load it with veggies. Recommendations...

- Lettuce: virtually calorieless

- Tomato: low in cals, extremely high in Vitamin C and lycopene (very good antioxidant)

- Pickle: mmm

- Onions: lowers high cholesterol and blood pressure levels; gives you bad breath; and tastes better grilled or sauteed in a tiny bit of olive oil.

- Roasted peppers: Bellpeppers are enormously high in Vitamin C and A and are great at lowering the risk of heart disease and heart attacks. What a winner!

- Garlic Mayo: yes, mayo is bad. Use light to get as few calories as possible. Try to stay away from Ketchup, it has added sugar which isn't helpful; plus its tangy flavor disguises the flavors of the burger and veggies more than accentuates it. Try mixing some pureed garlic in with your mayo, or some pesto (full of basil).

- Cheese: one slice of cheese should do the trick. Cheese is high in protein and calcium, and reduced fat versions can be as low as 60 cals per slice!

- Whole Wheat Bun: in this day and age, why are you still eating white bread? Whole wheat not only has tons more flavor, but it's better for you. It actually has, y'know, health benefits, unlike white starches which just turn right into fat.

Juice Fasting - Day 1

Terrified of the word "fast" for years, why have I decided to juice fast?

Well, my boyfriend mentioned that women and girls in Hollywood are starting this new trend of the 3-day Juice Fast. You can lose upwards of 10 pounds in that time! Since he thinks he's a raging fatty, he decided he'd try a fast too.

Being chubby myself, I decided to try it with him. It's always easier to do it with someone else. So we have a bet -- whoever breaks the fast first, has to buy the other a movie of their choice. (We usually say dinner, but that seemed sorta antithetical to the point.)

So this morning I had a Naked Juice, Strawberry & Banana. Naked Juice is great because it has a lot of REAL fruit thrown in there, not "apple juice from concentrate" or whatever bullcrap they say on juice bottles. The key to the juice fast is to use the freshest ingredients possible. Ideally, use a juicer (not a blender or processor); but I don't have one. I'm just being careful not to buy juices with added sugar.

The Naked Juice lasted me a while. I usually get hungry just past 11am, but I didn't get hungry today until 1pm.

So for lunch what I wanted was a yummy chicken salad sandwich. Mmm...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I got instead?

1 white peach

1 glass of Tropicana Antioxidant orange juice

1 plum

Now, I'm doing okay. I'm slightly hungry, but I think it's my body wondering where the chicken salad is. I am sure it will adjust soon. If all else fails, another glass of OJ will hit the spot

The Cottage Restaurant

Hungry for breakfast in Laguna Beach?

Check out The Cottage Restaurant (http://www.thecottagerestaurant.com/),...or, rather, read the review at Gourmandettes.wordpress.com first, then decide if it's a good fit for you.

The Counterintuitive Breakfast

Thought you were being good at breakfast? Think again.

My boyfriend likes to think that if he eats eggs for breakfast, he's going to get fat. Eggs are the cause of all gluttonous breakfast eating, in his opinion. Granted, there are healthier alternatives to eggs -- low-sugar cereals, fruit, yogurt, nuts. But on the whole, as I've talked about much before, eggs have been given a bad wrap.

He in fact used to think until very recently that if he went to Starbucks and had a lemon poppy seed muffin or a pumpkin loaf, he was being a good boy. One because "lemon" and "pumpkin" is right there in the title! Surely it can't be bad for you if fruits and vegetables are featured so predominantly. Ehh, wrong thinking.

Pastries, first of all, are 98% of the time made with white flour. Even if enriched, not that great for you simply because there are no real nutritional benefits to all-purpose flour. Wheat flour, on the other hand, is a different story. But few few few FEW bakeries will use wheat flour in their delectable morning pastries.

Secondly, the top ingredients after flour are inevitably BUTTER and SUGAR. Fat and sucrose. Yay! Just what you want to be having in the morning. Not only are these supposed to be had in moderation --of which a morning pastry is not-- but they are meant to be had as a treat.

Breakfast is not a treat. Breakfast is a chance for you to prime your body for the day, to get a good head start, and to plunge into the day on a healthy note (to hopefully set the stage for the rest of the day).

Think of all the benefits, on the other hand, you get from, say, an omelet: veggies, cheese, meat, eggs. This is loaded with protein and calcium and vitamins.

In other terms -- an Egg McMuffin from McDonalds has fewer calories than a pastry at Starbucks. Let that blow your mind.

The Ideal Breakfast

So, I've become allergic to eggs. Because of the South Beach Diet, I have eaten them for breakfast liberally. Now I tend occasionally to break out into "gentle hives" -- in other words, my face turns red and splotchy. Totally sucky!

This could be that my immune system is trying to fight off all the other allergins in my house, namely Apropos, our happily shedding kitty. So I may not be totally allergic to eggs, but just being a little bit causes my immune system to freak out and walk out on me in a frustrated, overworked rage.

So I've toned down my breakfast and actually started eating what experts insist is the ideal breakfast.

TODAY:

1/2 cup low-fat cottage cheese

1 peach

 

The health benefits of cottage cheese are that it's naturally low in calories (compared with other cheese, that is), and in the low-fat version it's only just over 100C for 1 serving, or 1/2 cup. Like all cheese, it is high in protein and calcium.

A peach is high in Vitamin C --maybe it'll snap my immune system into shape-- and potassium and fiber. All good things.

This is not to say that the SBD's egg-breakfast diet is bad. It is a bit more caloric than this Ideal Breakfast and it is free of carbs (fruit of course having fructose, or natural sugar). But honestly, I feel better after having eaten this than an egg with cheese. Maybe it's all in my head -- but even if it is, that's half the battle when it comes to dieting.

What IS healthy?

So...yeah, still not on the SBD as promised. If it's not an office outing to the best ice cream place in Boston (which is Cabot's, in case you were curious), or being on a budget (euphemism for being underpaid and over-billed) and not having any snack in the house that is SBD friendly -- Duh, it's been hard to start.

I also acknowledge that those are all excuses. I need a partner. (But that's a post for another day.)

Today I'm thinking about health. Yes, the SBD is ideal because it detoxes you and it does force you to stop bad habits abruptly. I've never lost weight so fast as win the first 2 weeks of the SBD. But...what if you already know how to eat, and don't have bad habits?

There are some basic tells for good health:

- Trade in all enriched carbs for whole wheat breads and pastas and brown rice

- A serving or two of fruit per day. How hard is it to eat a banana or a cup of grapes? Stay away from sweetened fruits; fruit have enough calories and sugar for you to go and ruin their natural yumminess anyway.

- A serving of vegetables with every meal. You have to love vegetables to be healthy. Sorry. That's just part of the deal. But who doesn't like garlic spinach or sauteed broccoli with soy sauce or carrots and hummus? My point is there's tons to discover with veggies, so learn to love them. Canned can often be better than fresh (tomatoes are supposed to release more nutrients when canned than when fresh; though on the whole, as fresh and uncooked as possible is usually a good rule.)

- Good fats instead of bad fats. Like, use olive oil instead of butter; margarine instead of butter; reduced-fat cheeses and milks.

- Exercise 4-5 times a week for at least 30 minutes.

That's it. Seriously, those are the only secret ingredients you need to pay attention to. Just do those wisely --stop pretending that strawberry shortcake is a good dose of fruit servings. have you ever MADE strawberry shortcake? There's a ton of added sugar in that stuff!

Let me know if the ingredients make success. I'll do the same...with luck!

It Really is Like Alcoholism

Only in that you have to be ready to lose weight and get healthy. You can't force it upon yourself.

I'm clearly not ready. It doesn't help that there's a ton of stress in my life right now; or that I use that as an excuse sometimes, though most of the time it's subconscious.

It doesn't help that this morning my boyfriend was so adorably sweet when he came in having bought us each a blueberry muffin and grilled it just for me...with butter. (His family grills every morning pastry with butter, even if it comes with butter.)

But in the end, excuses can be made, and stress can be blamed, but really the fault lies with the fact that I'm not willing to put the work in. And until I am, I'm going to continue to feel like crap.

One Step Forward, Two Back

Well, second day into my supposed new healthful ritual, and I've already failed miserably. I had a great breakfast yesterday, Day One --

A serving of egg beaters, a slice of cheese, and a serving of salsa. That's protein, low in calories (75 for the cheese, 30 for the egg beaters), low in fat, high in calcium, and a serving of veggies. Bam! Right in the morning. Brilliant!

But then lunch rolled around...

My excuse was TIME. Yesterday was thorough-cleaning day, and by 1pm I hadn't gone to the grocery store, my fridge was bare of anything but condiments, and I still hadn't showered yet from the gym. So, I ordered out.

Yes, I committed the immoral sin of eating out from the pizza place across the street. Also, because I'm strapped for cash, I picked something cheap. And yes, it's one of the terrible things about our society -- bad foods are cheaper, so poorer people have a harder time being healthy. (Don't even get me started on that!)

I ordered a chicken wrap. No, I ordered a buffalo chicken wrap, let's be honest. That means fried chicken. Fried! And I suddenly found myself adding cheese to the wrap. Why? Who knows! Not only that, but I ate the whole thing when clearly, half of it would've been fine.

Dinner was even worse. I had two friends over and we were watching PBS's "1900 House". Suddenly there's a scene where the family buys fish & chips from a local fast food joint, and it's the delight of their month to be able to eat something so tasty after weeks of boiled vegetables. So now we all had fish and chips on the brain, and we all gave in.

At least I went to the gym?

So far I'm 0 for 2 for eating (today I had pizza also; because my boyfriend wanted it, so as a merciful girlfriend, I obliged. Yes, I could have gotten HIM a pizza and ordered myself a salad or grilled chicken plate, but I'm still too weak to deny bad foods for some reason.)

But I am 2-2 for exercising. Today I went to the gym and did a full ab workout, and walked two miles (in the rain, no less!).

This is really going to be a difficult process...and clearly, food is my Achilles heel.

Step 2: South Beach Diet (SBD)

I hate diets. They never work. I hate the idea of them -- depriving yourself only makes you learn unhealthy ways of eating and that's not the goal of losing weight, which is TO BE HEALTHY, not to be skinny. A healthy weight will come with health, so let that be your focus.

That said, the South Beach "Diet" is the only guide that's actually worked for me. Unfortunately, I've been on-and-off again, so hopefully this time it'll stick.

The basic idea of the SBD is to teach you healthy eating. To eliminate bad carbs from your diet -- because basically all they're doing is making you gain weight; they're not bringing you any kinds of nutrition at all. But that's okay -- because there are a lot of really good whole wheat alternatives to white carbs. Also, it teaches you the importance of veggies and by following it you can't help but start learning about the foods you're putting in your mouth.

Like with alcoholics, the SBD asks that you start with a detox of sorts. They don't call it that, but that's what it is.

It's 2 weeks without carbs. I personally really needed this and felt a huge change in my body; and it was as difficult to do as if I were an alcoholic; which means, I was definitely "using" food in unhealthy ways.

Some of the things I felt the first 2 weeks were fatigue (I couldn't even get through one spin class anymore, or even a simple elliptical workout) and an emptiness in my stomach. It wasn't really an emptiness caused by hunger, just a hole. If I were an alcoholic, this is the hole alcohol would fill. As an unhealthy eater, carbs were filling that; sugar and grains, mostly. And, like an alcoholic, when I filled that hole I didn't really feel better, I just felt either disgusting or stuffed.

To be clear -- I'm not a food addict. I like food, yes, but my problem is more that I can never seem to stay away from pizza or restaurant food or anything with cheese. My upbringing didn't teach me to like vegetables, let alone what they were. Salads were scorned, anything categorized as "healthy" also as for the "health nuts". Yes, it was a kind of crazy to not enjoy sloppy joes and quesadillas and mozzarella sticks. Someone who doesn't go to taco bell or who doesn't love Wendy's fries was a little cookoo in my family. I mean, I grew up eating Egg McMuffins, hashbrowns and diet cokes for breakfast and nobody ever ever told me to think twice about it. Probably because they didn't either.

So, today I'm going back on the SBD. And for the sake of The Cake Chronicles, I hope to really make headway this time. (Last time I lost 5 pounds in the first 2 weeks, but after Phase 1 lost all self-control again.)

I'm also "re" starting the About.com 30-day Challenge workout plan that has, also like SBD, proven to really work for me. It builds as you get stronger, and it gives you tons of options so you don't feel burdened by the workout, but excited to get your adrenaline going. (I'm a very lazy person, so that's saying a lot.)

Here are some links to get you started too:

South Beach Diet Recipes

http://weightloss.about.com/od/southbeachdietrecipes/

http://www.southbeach-diet-plan.com/recipecollection.html

http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/southbeachdietrecipes/South_Beach_Diet_Recipes.htm


Fitness

http://exercise.about.com/c/ec/26.htm

Good luck! With some help, it can be done.

Step One: Welcome to the Cake Chronicles

If a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Welcome to Step One.

Blatantly-Obvious Statement #1: Women struggle with weight.

Even if you're thin or lean, weight is on your mind. If not because images of women who are not your body type are plastered everywhere as models of sexual desire, perfection, and wishful thinking, then because you really are overweight and uncomfortable in your own skin.

It sucks. Being a woman is great, but that part sucks.

I've struggled with weight since I can remember --the fact my mom knows Photoshop makes me suspicious of pictures when I was 5 and a normal weight for my age. All the things "fat kids" have to deal with growing up has made me who I am today, for better or worse. It's given me issues, but it's made me stronger; it's made me angry and it's made me tender to other peoples' feelings; it's made me at times utterly depressed, but it's also made me the optimist I am today.

The Cake Chronicles is meant to be my effort, and the effort of other women like me, to be a healthy weight and happy with our bodies. I've always thought that the a major obstacle holding me back from leading a carefree internal life (I know I can't control the bills flooding the hallway table, or find real meaning in a Quantum Mechanical world), was my weight. I'd like to test that theory.

Stick around for The Cake Chronicles, one woman's journey of a thousand steps starts right here.

(See Exhibit A and B. "Round Knees, Oh Please!" and "The Neverending Chubby Arms". More on this next time.)